Um...What??

One Door Closes And Another One Opens And Then You Try To Go Back Through The First Door But You Can't Because It's Locked Now And They Made You Return The Keys

Note: Today's post was originally slated to be much more than it is, but several things sort of took over my past week including 487 gagillion boxes and Gus The Cat's never-ending nervous breakdown which, incidentally, TURNED OUT TO BE TOTALLY CONTAGIOUS (I have no idea, but sometimes we share a spoon) and ten tons of chaos and clutter everywhere I looked. All of these things, along with my multiple work deadlines suddenly collided into TA DA! My brain's battery supply is now on red. So, for the moment, I'm just going to make this newsy-type announcement minus all the back story and particulars with a promise to return on the other side to flesh out all the back story and particulars. Unless, of course, I forget and just end up uploading more pictures of fun goats doing fun goaty things like sitting! AND STANDING.

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Welcome back, everyone! For those of you not already aware, there are some big changes happening here at the headquarters!!

I know: IT'S A GIFT.

In a year filled with many self-imposed changes, I've decided to make one more: After being at the above location since 2004, this blog's headquarters are now MOVING!!

Um...What?? Moving Special: BOTH OF THESE YAHOOS FREE TO A GOOD HOME. HAHA!!! Like I really care if it's good or not.

Needless to say, we've recently been spending every moment of our free time packing, since we're making this move in only two weeks 10 days a week OH FOR THE LOVE OF GOD. We're moving tomorrow. If I don't manage to announce this now, at this rate I'm going to have to change this post to be about how HELLO, WE'VE MOVED!! SIX MONTHS AGO.

ANYWAY. It's just that I've found myself having trouble focusing enough to sit down and blog about this impending change since I'm busy, busy, busy (!) directing every single one of my brain cells toward the task of remaining in complete and total denial about all the ways my life is suddenly about to become very different. Because even though there are so many things about this move that are positive, I've totally adored living where I've been and am going to profoundly miss my perfect-for-me little apartment. I've felt safe and at home here. I've found comfort within its walls during a really difficult few years. And last and most certainly not least, I've fallen in love here twice –– once with Moses The Cat and once again with Gus.

So last night, for one last night, I spent time sitting here on the couch ACTING CASUAL in the attempt to have a nice relaxing, normal evening –– even though our apartment that used to look like this...

...now looks like this:

And I would totally breathe into a paper bag right now if I had any idea which box I packed the paper bags in because I seriously cannot find anything anymo...OH CRAP!! HAS ANYONE SEEN THE CAT?!?!

OH.










Seriously though: How cute is his little pencil sharpener butt??

And starting now, for my final acts here, I'll pack up those last few things that still remain loose on floors and tabletops, give the rooms one last deep cleaning, and –– with the arrival of the movers tomorrow morning –– attempt to erase any last bits of evidence that we were ever here. Then, in that lovely way that life works, I'll leave this place behind while I also take it with me.

See you all soon in the new location. Thank you, everyone, for sticking with us.

This Post Doesn't Have ANY Poop In It! Although It Doesn't Have Anything Else In It Either, So The Poop Thing Is Really Just An Accident

 

                                 *Or seven days now. Or eleven or something. We don't really care know for sure.

















 



 

                     *Oh, close enough.  

 

 



 

 



 

 
Please send bananas. And vodka. And bananas soaked in vodka.
Never mind. Just send vodka.

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P.S. Remember last time how I said this guy would be coming next time which would now be this time?:

 
NEXT time. I swear. This is a little something called Building Suspense or WTF? This Blog Sucks!!

While Real Bloggers Are Totally Busy These Days Scrambling Around Worrying About Branding And Sponsorship and Stats, I'll Just Be Over Here Photoshopping A Bunch Of Pictures Kind Of About Poop

Today's post is dedicated to my friend Tuna, who saw a performance of Cats at the Pantages Theater a couple weeks ago and thought it was for crap. Well, welcome to another crappy, cat-themed thing, dude! Only this one is about MY cat, and –– oh, hey!! –– his crap. Which would seem like a really cool coincidence except for the way this blog is pretty much always nothing but crap. Yay!! Let's fart start!

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Welcome back, everyone! For those of you who may not have already heard, Gus The Cat recently underwent hundreds of dollars worth of dental surgery, partly because he came to me with the dirtiest mouth ever, but mostly because –– for those who haven't heard this either –– my official hobby in 2010 is constantly spending gagillions of dollars! Which is weird considering I do not actually have gagillions of dollars.

HAHA –– GOOD ONE!!! My other hobby is casually downplaying my wealth:

Because this blog cleans up. As if that wasn't already totally obvious.
(Despite the fact it has no ads. And you can read it for free. And I have a "store" that doesn't actually sell even one single thing. Don't question it.)

ANYWAY. What was I talking about again? Oh! Right! Gus's surgery. He did just fine with the actual procedure but as an unfortunate side effect of the anesthesia combined with the antibiotics and pain medication combined with Gus gets gas from just glimpsing a bottle of meds, he completely lost all ability to poop anything remotely shaped at all like poop and instead has been dumping a daily dose of a chocolate milkshake-type substance all over the inside of his litter box. Would you like whipped cream with that?? Needless to say, everyone around here has been very, very concerned, most especially Chris, because when it comes to animals, Chris loves them!

 
There's only so much I can do with the raw material I've been given.

To his credit, Chris really did try to attempt to pretend to care about Gus because Chris knows that friendship isn't a big thing, it's a million little things*. Like pretending to give a crap about your friend's cat's crap:

*Famous quote by someone. I think. I don't know for sure, though. My crack research department was busy pooping loosely on vacation.

 

  

 

  

The good news is that after having a bunch of blood work done, Gus has been given a totally clean bill of health! The bad news is that despite this, he's still having a major, um, doodie dilemma. His sh*t is just not shipshape sh*t-shaped. DAMMIT. My vet's been trying to reset Gus's system without giving him yet more meds, so first we tried a five-day rice diet –– which lasted all of two days due to the way my super-sweet kitty who loves everyone and everything in the world will totally try to eat your face off if you put even one single grain of rice anywhere near his food bowl. It seemed. So then we switched him to a special low-protein wet food, and by special I mean holy crap it smells exactly like crap. Ahhhh, irony, or things that smell like iron crap. And while Gus HAS done me a couple of great solids the past week (HEH), he's been inconsistent at best. So it looks like If he's not better in the next couple of days (when the prescribed food runs out), we'll have to decide whether to try the rice again or go ahead and give him some medication.

Oh dear god.

I vote for the meds.

Because did I mention how Gus hates rice??

So much for cleaning his mouth.

THE END OF THIS SH*TTY SH*T-THEMED POST.

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P.S. Am I the only one who noticed how I published my previous three blog posts once a week for an entire three weeks in a row?? I KNOW!! No one cares. And then this funny thing happened on the way to the post you're reading now and oh dear god why are any of you still reading this post now IT'S ABOUT CAT POOP: I went quickly and spectacularly borderline blind. More so in my right eye, which is inconvenient on account of how it's my primary eyeball –– an eyeball that's starting to get really sick and tired of the double duty it's been doing my entire life. (See this entry if you're new here and would care to know the particular history of my eyeballs, which probably isn't that interesting but might still be slightly more interesting than reading about poorly formed cat crap.) So, for the past couple weeks, all attempts at blogging were basically met with this:

Ugh. Nauseating.

But now, thanks to my second new glasses prescription in just over six months, a condition my eye doctor assures me is not called I am going blind, we're now back to blogging as usual. And for that all I can say is I apologize.

Unfortunately, no less nauseating.
         

   
I honestly have ZERO idea why I'm still single. Weird.

Yes, We Really Do Have Our Own Baseball Stadium Here At Um...What?? Headquarters (We Also Have an Indoor Ice Rink and A Skydiving Wind Tunnel Training Facility) (Okay, We Don't Have Any Of These Things) (We Do Have A Carport, Though)

In celebration of the Dodgers first official spring training workout yesterday, this blog is offering up yet another post that's remarkably similar to baseball's infield fly rule: At best a lot of people aren't sure why it's even necessary and at worst everyone is completely baffled by it.

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Welcome back, Um Whaters! Today I'll be aiming for the fences as I take a brief time out from my regularly scheduled content of basically zero content to note one of my favorite events of the year: The return of major league baseball! And by aiming for the fences I of course mean I'll be standing around while staring at a called third strike because this is totally a bush league blog. My pleasure!

I love this time of year when the grass is becoming a little bit greener and the days are becoming a little bit longer and people are just this side of once again being able to hear the sound of wood hitting cork and cowhide echoing against the backdrop of a stadium filled with thousands upon thousands of screaming fans. That is, of course, provided anyone, anywhere, can actually hear anything else over the sound of the blah blah blahblahblahblahblah of Chris's annual commentary about how much baseball sucks. Because, apparently, baseball is boring and nothing ever happens and also it's boring and did I mention he says it's really super duper boring?  Which, if you think about it, should equal Chris really likes baseball because do you know what else is super duper boring and filled with a whole bunch of absolutely nothing at all happening...that Chris also happens to really like? That's right. THIS BLOG.

Weird.

Anyway! As spring training starts up again this year for my very favorite team in my very favorite sport –– a sport already rich in years of cherished traditions from throwing out ceremonial first pitches to standing for seventh inning stretches and drinking beer while eating hot dogs and booing the umps –– our own little baseball tradition has begun again anew this past week here at the headquarters and, comfortingly, it all somehow serves to remind me that everything is still alright in my own little corner of the world:

   
 

 
 
Because Jared has one of the most awesome tattoos ever.

Although I think we can all agree: 

This would be way, WAY more awesome.

Enjoy the coming season, baseball fans! May all your teams totally kick a$$ unless they're playing the Dodgers, and then may they all be shut out and completely humiliated. ESPECIALLY IF YOUR TEAM IS THE YANKEES BECAUSE THE YANKEES ARE EVIL BASTARDS.

Play ball!!

This Post Is About Love And Is Accidentally Serious...OOPSIE! (DO NOT PANIC: We Will Return To Our Regularly Scheduled Crap Next Time) (Also, This Is A Valentine's Post And Valentine's Day Is Over, So At Least That Part Is Business As Usual)

Today's post is dedicated to everyone, everywhere, who loves against the odds.

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The following crossed my Twitter stream a few days ago:

Whom do you love?? It's such a deceptively simple question, and yet I've been turning it over and over in my head since I first read it. Timing is everything, and it's probably because I've recently been taking steps to get out from under the dark cloud I've been living with that it resonated so loudly with me. I've found myself thinking a lot about how loving the people we do does so much to define us as individuals and how –– more specifically –– so much of who I am today has been shaped by the way I've loved The Porcupine the past 12 years.

Even under the best of circumstances, love is never for the faint of heart. In times of both wealth and want, opening ourselves to love also requires that we face –– on a daily basis –– the very real possibility of profound loss. Bravery is the currency of love; we must offer up the first to gain the second and no matter the circumstances, I've never doubted this price is always one worth paying.

Regardless of how things are turning out, I remain unflinching in my belief I did the right thing four years ago when I took The Porcupine's outstretched hand and jumped ALL IN to his chaotic, gigantic mess of a life. In the face of steep odds and against what my rational brain was telling me was the prudent path, I chose to give voice to my heart. From that point on I've loved bravely and openly; unguarded and without pretense. I didn't do so without fear but somehow managed to do so despite it. Maureen told me she thinks I've carried myself through all of this with dignity and grace. This means a lot to me because since making the choice to be here I've always tried to put love first –– before any pain or disappointment or anger of my own. In times of struggle, it's far too easy to give in to these latter things, though ultimately this does nothing but carve us out inside and make us less. So, each day I've worked hard to push through; putting one foot in front of the other and choosing, instead, over and over again, to love –– even on the days when screaming and raging at him for all the things he wasn't getting done or turning and running from the whole damn mess would have been so much safer. For all of this, I am proud of myself. For all of this, I am more.

And so I arrive back at the original question: Whom do I love? This, in turn, makes me think about how I love. My answer to the first question has, over time, changed my answer to the second. I've loved The Porcupine with every cell of my being these many years. It hasn't been easy and has cost me a lot. I probably won't ever be able to have children of my own now (either with him or someone else) because of all the time that's been lost. And in the last four years? I've easily aged four decades. Dear god.

But this situation hasn't been without its rewards. I'm a much better person than I was at the beginning of this road. I'm stronger, more open, more secure in who I am and far, FAR less self-involved. I've also learned something invaluable I might not have completely understood otherwise: I kept silent for far too long about my feelings for the Porcupine, and this was my mistake in the series of events that lead up to this chapter in my life. I played it safe, because it was easier. Because that's how I pretty much functioned in all of my relationships. Keeping my guard up and revealing as little of myself as possible was almost always my go-to move. But these days, I realize that if you're lucky enough to have people you love in your life –– people who matter to you and affect you and add to the person you are in even the slightest of ways –– you must not wait to tell them. And once you do? Then you should tell them again and again and again and again. You should tell them in so many different ways they start to think you're nuts. Appreciate them openly and support all their efforts and champion them every day to other people and to themselves. Make little pictures of them in Photoshop and put them up all over your blog and onto calendars you make for them and t-shirts and mugs and oh hey! Maybe this last thing is just me? Anyway, my point is to do whatever your own particular thing may be to do. Just turn up the volume as high as you can, keep nothing to yourself and love out loud.

Believe me: The people in your life will thank you for it.

    

Happy Valentine's Day, everyone. May you all love –– and be loved –– like this.
Or maybe not.

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P.S. And continuing on the subject of love, here's the latest picture in this blog's very favorite love story. Because no one loves louder than Buster.

Indeed.

P.S.S.: Also, this is my friend Tuna:

I just don't have an illustration for him yet as I'm having a bit of trouble with this one and have been waiting like forever for someone to help me out with it CHRIS. So in the meantime, this:

P.S.S.S. And, finally, on the previously mentioned, belated subject of Valentine's Day, you can rest assured that yes, we've been to Jared:

You know...kind of.