Page updated 4/27/09 to add Jared. Because these are the kinds of things I do to avoid having to do any actual blogging.
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New around here? Too bored busy to backtrack through the archives to figure out the Who's Who of this blog? Or perhaps you're like reader Jillian, completely fascinated (seriously, no one is) but utterly confused by this blog's contents:
Well, guess what? You've come to this page the right page! To follow is a brief summary of the small but well-loved central cast of characters who regularly populate the posts of Um...What?? And by small I mean these are the only people so far that I've managed to trick into regularly associating with me where people also includes two animals who have absolutely no choice in the matter. Sad:
The Porcupine: He is JUST as cute as his picture. Trust me. Drooools. He's at once both the love of my life and the singular biggest pain in my a$$ that I have ever known. This combination is the reason I started this blog – my valiant attempt to save my own sanity through the art of self-involved self-expression. It's been a long, tough road for the two of us, but the good news is it's only getting tougher and I seriously hope I can still blog after my head has exploded and splattered all over the nearby walls. He also has a butt like two basketballs, which, to be honest, does sometimes help to take the edge off. Drooooools.
Maureen (Mo): Best girlfriend. Keeper of my secrets, protector of my history, knower of all my warts. Has a very large presence despite her small, 4' 11" frame. Would be totally lost without her. Sister from another mother. Sarcastic. Funny. Mouthy. Bold. Though at the same time doesn't believe in herself nearly as much as I believe in her. But what she occasionally lacks in confidence, she always makes up for in utter adorableness. Has the tough job of being closest to me during the hardest time in my life so far. Never gets deterred. Always sticks it out and sticks beside me, which isn't exactly a picnic most days. Unless it's the part of the picnic where you're totally covered in ants.
Chris (Ho): Started off as my co-worker, became one of my greatest friends. And it only took me about eleventy-hundred years to totally win him over! Mostly because at first he didn't get me at all. Unlike now, where he still doesn't get me at all but has grown tired of trying to resist me so instead seemingly embraces our relationship. This is called Friendship like Borg Assimilation or I WIN!! Canadian. Tall. Genetically gifted with broad shoulders that are perfect for laying your head against when you are feeling down. Except for that he saw me cry once and almost had an aneurysm. So that's out. Has his two daughters' names tattooed on his arms. I find this ridiculously endearing.
abandoned me from October 2007 until the following October, despite the
fact my life was falling down in utter ruin around my ears
without him. Nice, dude.
But he's back now and it's the best thing that's happened to me since I
found out there would be a 24 movie airing in November. Okay, actually
that second thing might be slightly better, but still! Irish. The reason I have the hugest soft spot for every redhead I see. Funny as hell. Doesn't have a blog but if he ever starts one I am totally screwed here because in a fight, his blog would kick my blog's a$$. (In an actual a$$ fight though, mine wins.) So much of who I am now I owe to our years of friendship. Yes, it's true: You should blame him for all of this.
Jared: The newest Um...What?? family member, Jared loves beer. And Metallica. And Me. But mostly me. As evidenced by how 90% of our conversations start off with me saying, "Hey Jared!" followed by him saying, "Oh god" and then attempting to hide behind some nearby large object. Jared and I started off as co-workers, but we're so much more than that now, where so much more equals I nag and nag him to be my friend and he agrees so I'll stop sobbing uncontrollably in his office. Jared is funny and smart and totally afraid of snakes which –– not that I need to explain it –– makes him the Indiana Jones of this blog.
My parents: The greatest set of parents ever. The fact that my most notable accomplishment as of late is using the word "f*cktard" in a blog post is no reflection on their parenting skills and is instead totally because of a little thing I taught myself called I SUCK. Mom reads the blog, Dad doesn't know it exists. Which is sad, really, since no one in the world is a bigger fan of everything I do. But Dad cornering The Porcupine with a .45 is, for the most part, counterproductive to what I'm trying to accomplish here. And yes, just like the picture implies, when they're not being my parents, they're busy being an International Crime Fighting Duo.
Moses: The WAY LESS COMPLICATED man in my life. Super good-looking. Blue eyes for days. Warm. Soft. Depends on me. Insists on constantly being near me. Misses me when I'm not around, gets shamelessly excited when I come back. I wish more people in my life reacted to me this way CHRIS. Also? The Porcupine used to be like this too until he became slightly dead inside. Which is what would happen to me if it wasn't for Moses. Lets me stick needles in him twice a day and loves me anyway. He's my rescue cat. I'm his rescue human. And then we lived happily ever after! Except for the part where – oh yeah – THE REST OF MY LIFE STILL TOTALLY TANKS.
Buster: I found him running around in traffic. Homeless. Lost. No wallet or picture ID, though he did have a kazoo. We set out together on Buster's Big Adventure where first he became a ward of the system (DOGGIE DEATH ROW) (iamanidiot) and then was busted free and then went to live with a foster and now has found his forever home. Also? I totally added the tongue onto the drawing myself – I KNOW! – though this does seem slightly less impressive when you find out that I actually drew all of the REST of the dog too. And everything else on this page. I have many different artistic styles. I'm nothing short of incredible where incredible = full of sh*t.
YOU – my legions of blog fans: And by legions I mean isn't it cool how we can all fit together inside my 2005 Hybrid Escape and still probably have an extra seat left over for the Igloo filled with beer? Road Trip! Without you, this blog means nothing. Of course with you it doesn't really mean anything either. This is called semantics or THIS BLOG BASICALLY SUCKS.
And out of all my loyal readers, I owe a special dose of extra love to the following two of you. Thanks to XUP for pointing out the obvious technical glitch on this page that resulted in some key "Um...What??" family members being left off. This is the kind of attentive blog reading that seems almost awesome until you consider the fact that it means that all of you have to keep reading now. This is called another thing that is not my fault:
Debra: My very first voluntary blog reader! Because my mom and Maureen don't really count since I'm guessing my shouting at them, "ARE YOU GOING TO READ MY LATEST BLOG POST RIGHT NOW?!?!" the second I'd hit the publish button each time sort of took the free will right out of it. That, and the way I used to slip Maureen twenty bucks for every comment she'd leave. Who says I can't make money blogging? I can. I can make it for someone else. But Debra has been here from the beginning, reading and commenting free of charge. I found her right after I launched "Um...What??", when I was intending to Google What is a blog? (clearly, I still have no clue) but instead accidentally Googled Vincent D'Onofrio is hot. Because, well, DUH. And there was her own lovely blog, Reflecting. And I liked it so much I e-mailed her to tell her. And she wrote me back and told me the same thing about MY blog, which might mean Debra's a drinker. Sad.
XUP: My SECOND (!!) voluntary reader, whom I quickly connected with through Debra. XUP has the kind of blog I could never, ever hope to – the kind that people are actually interested in. Her posts are educational and filled with things like information and facts and entertainment value and a whole bunch of other similar concepts I will probably never understand. She also posts almost daily which makes me look really, really bad and, if you ask me, is rather rude. But XUP remains a loyal and steadfast and interactive reader, despite her certainty that I AM BATSH*T CRAZY. Without her, this blog probably never would have taken off, and by taken off I mean seriously, no one cares.
Me: Added because there is, apparently one whole entire person who actually thinks what we need around here is a little more me. ("What? No caricature of you?" – MC) ("Oh good holy lord, NO." – You.) Believe me, I know. But I do like this picture, though, because I think it really captures the deep thoughts and feelings I currently deeply think and feel about life. All of which run regularly throughout the posts of this blog and all of which can also be summed up by the following one word which is, incidentally, about 598 million words less than I normally use: PFFFFFFFFFFT.