Went to favorite Starbucks and WAS ALMOST MORTALLY WOUNDED BY OWN VANILLA LATTE. MULTIPLE TIMES.
It started when straw would not go into lid. Pushed. Poked. Rammed. Accomplished nothing but the continual spewing of coffee out from semi-hole and onto every square inch of hands. Straw still not in? Coffee out all over? CHECK.
More stubborn pushing. The introduction of vague cursing. Then noticed oversized ice cube possibly blocking opening. Bent to look closer. Misjudged distance of face from straw. Did not actually succeed in poking out own eye and maybe impaling brain, but came as close as medically possible. Much time spent blinking incessantly and rubbing at eyeball. But no crying. Supposedly. Straw now on ground. STILL NO DELICIOUS LATTE HAD HIT TASTE BUDS.
Took off lid, removed gigantic ice cube monstrosity (resembled large ice sculpture seen at weddings, maybe swan?) and flung toward metal trashcan harder than necessary (AS WAS ANNOYED). Missed opening. Ice sculpture instead hit side of can and broke apart. One piece ricocheted back toward head like stray bullet. Saved own life via impressive, reflexive ducking/contorting. Looked around but was only one outside. Disappointed no one there to admire gymnast-like display.
Lid would then not go back onto latte. Spewed/slopped more coffee on hands during effort. Escalated cursing. Lid suddenly, mysteriously too small for cup despite fact it had just come off same cup. (Weird physics-related anomaly?) Gave up. Went back inside to retrieve new lid and new straw. Some delicious latte had by then hit taste buds if finger, palm and back-of-hand licking are counted.
Returned to patio where new lid finally went onto cup after much forcing and finagling. (Guessing Starbucks job application process includes lid/cup coordination test. Would fail miserably.) New straw then also went in with minimal effort thanks to aforementioned ice sculpture removal. Long sip. Contended sigh. Longer sip.
Once no longer parched, made move to throw out old straw and lid in trashcan about four steps away from current location. Discovered four steps about two more than needed to FALL DOWN ON FACE WITH FLAIR NOT SEEN SINCE GRACIE HART IN MISS CONGENIALITY:
(Subtitles?? Blog now multilingual!)
Missed hitting chin on metal chair by mere few inches. Was suddenly very happy no one else out on patio to witness Loss Of All Remaining Dignity. Stood up, threw out trash and ultimately made it back to seat in one piece. Refused to move again until time to go for fear of ONCE AGAIN INVITING OWN DEATH.
Managed, however, to retain overall happiness due to drinking of delicious Starbucks latte. No doubt better coffee than Benjamin Bratt drinking in clip. Though might adopt Benjamin Bratt drinking style. Note cup: NO SIGN OF LID WHATSOEVER.