I don't care how many gold medals Michael Phelps has, I would totally pass out if I ever got within 3,000 feet of that much talent I am not impressed. Why? Because I have a Kick Ass Blogger Award!! See?:
Notice how I color-coordinated the award name above with the graphic on the left? That's what bloggers do who kick ass.
So take THAT, Michael Phelps! And all you nine-year-old teenage gymnasts from China! Sure, you can all perform mind-boggling displays of uber-elite athleticism (I'm too busy for that kind of thing), but I can write blog posts all about your mind-boggling displays of uber-elite athleticism. HAHA! Like I've ever written anything that intelligent in my life. But if I did, these posts would be totally kick ass (see award) and impressive. And by impressive I mean I know where the "publish" button is.
The best part of this award is that I received it from the quite lovely and always Canadian XUP. On the subject of mind-boggling, I still have no idea why she so faithfully reads my blog. When you visit her blog – and you should! – you'll see immediately how it's so thoughtful and insightful and witty and intelligent. (Even when she's talking about boobs or even this hot kitchen item.) Mine? Well, I'll use up 4,500 words talking about falling down. Or my forehead. Or my cat. And since I didn't slip XUP any money to send this award to me, I can only assume one thing: Just as I suspected, I AM THE MOST AMAZING BLOGGER TO COME OUT OF CYBERSPACE SINCE DOOCE.
Hmmn.
Or this:
Since I didn't slip XUP any money to send this award to me, I can only assume the woman is half out of her mind.
But no matter! I now have my first blog award in a long line of no more many, and I could not be more thrilled! Unfortunately, it does leave me with a bit of a problem. As a recipient of this honor, I am in turn supposed to bestow it onto five other bloggers I think kick their own amounts of serious ass. (Not as much as me, of course, because I mean really. This blog? Me? Hello? Dooce, schmooce.) The problem with this is the fact I'm so new here that I don't know five other bloggers.
Sure, besides the four blogs I read regularly – my two real-world friends Mo and Chris, and my two new wonderful cyber-sisters XUP and Debra at Reflecting, there are also several others I visit on a daily basis. But I don't have any kind of relationship or correspondence with any of their authors. I don't e-mail with them. I don't leave comments on their posts. I don't leave much behind in the way of a footprint beyond whatever small spec of data I might register on their Feedburner page as I click over. (Kick Ass Bloggers? We know things about things like "Feedburner." And "clicking.") I may follow a couple of them on Twitter, but let's face it: They are all big-time bloggers with Technorati ratings in the single digits or something. (Technorati? More Kick Ass blogger-speak.) (Technorati? HATES ME.) These wonderful bloggers don't know me or my blog and I don't know what the official etiquette is on all of this, but I just don't feel right bestowing awards on total strangers. So this, coupled with the fact that XUP, Debra and Mo have all already been properly acknowledged as "Kick Ass" themselves, means I am officially left with the option of currently bestowing this award on one person, and if you've been paying any kind of attention here (WHY?), you will realize this person is this blog's favorite Chris, the aforementioned CHRIS.
But here's the thing: Chris launched his blog a short while back and got all his friends in states and provinces everywhere (ME) all hyped up to experience all the daily Chris-ness we could possibly desire. And then he proceeded to Promptly Write One New Post Every Gagillion Days or So. And while, besides being a Kick Ass Blogger, I'm also a Huge Chris Fan, I simply cannot reward this type of delinquent, poor performance with a "Kick Ass Blogger" award. But we are all adults here and we understand and accept various concepts like behaviors have consequences and it's not a good idea to eat poo, so in the spirit of such maturity I've created a special award just for Chris:
The Lazy Ass Blogger Award!
Chris actually took time out yesterday at the end of his insanely busy day to show me how to knock out the background of that trophy in Illustrator so I could import it into my Photoshop file. So he willingly added to his "insanely busy" day, to unknowingly help me give him a "Lazy Ass" award. This is called funny as hell to me IRONY.
And on a barely-related note, Donkey Basketball?
Did anyone else know about this?
Also, I totally drew this donkey.
And by "drew" I mean I sketched him with a charcoal pencil.
And by "charcoal pencil" I mean I downloaded him off some random website using Google image search. But still....hi donkey! (Copyright infringement laws apply to everyone except me.)
Sure, Chris has a very busy life. The kind of busy that would make a lesser man weep like a baby while curled up in the corner sucking his thumb, but that is no excuse. Wife? Two very young little girls? High-level, extremely demanding job with deadline after deadline after deadline? I do not care. I've got a job, too. And a cat. And absolutely nothing else to do and you don't see me using "I'm busy" as an excuse not to keep up with my blog. Why? BECAUSE I AM A KICK ASS BLOGGER, that's why.
So if any of you out there know any other bloggers just like Chris, please feel free to pilfer this award and pass it along. We can start another chain that doesn't spread the love quite as much as the usual blog awards but instead says, "FOR THE LOVE OF GOD PLEASE WRITE SOMETHING. YOU ARE SO LAME." It's like the Twitter nudge. Only rude.
And in addition to the Lazy Ass Blogger award, because I'm feeling kick ass AND generous, I'm also going to bestow Chris with one more honor. Congratulations, dude. You get the Best Hair Award for this little number:
Circa 1980-something-or-other. The Canadian Matthew McConaughey. This one wears a shirt.
Not quite as good as that other 'do I was referencing in my earlier (Kick Ass) post, but still fantastic and in all likelihood flammable the envy of all his friends at the time.
Award Sponsorship funded by Aqua Net.
So, in the spirit of all this honoring and bestowing, I just want to thank XUP one more time for spending some of her precious time here...and then AWARDING me for this crap. And I'd like to thank my other reader readers too. Someone is Kick Ass here, and I have a sneaking suspicion it's actually all of YOU guys.
