Today's post is dedicated to the lovely Mary of Twitter's seamusandmaggie fame! And guess what? She has her very own blog now and it's introspective and insightful and delightful and each time you visit there she offers you something pleasant like coffee or raspberry Sangria tea or a Gin and Tonic or Lorna Doone cookies or...huh. Now that I think about it, I never offer you people anything. Well, of course not. Do you think I'm going to waste my time saving cookies for you when I could be stuffing them down my yap by the fistfuls instead? EXACTLY. Anyway, speaking of blogs, Mary recently went through this one and read like each and every post I've ever published, and then afterward she told me she had a stomach ache from laughing so hard. Which, I'm assuming, is code speak for your blog makes me sick. Well, of course it does! Welcome to the club, Mary –– population Everyone Who's Ever Been Here; club president, Ryan. (He's been getting sick here since almost the beginning.) Please note, however, that as a public service to my readers, I do try my best to keep posting to a minimum so as to ensure that none of you actually dies from this crap. So really? It's like I'm blogging and SAVING LIVES. My pleasure.
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Welcome back, everyone! For today's post we'll be getting interactive as I answer some of your fan mail. Because, as you can imagine, I get a lot of fan mail. And not just from my mother either. As far as you know. HAHA! Of course my fan mail isn't from my mother. That's absurd. It's from, you know, other people. Who aren't my mother. Because this blog has completely taken over the interwebs. And by taken over the interwebs I mean nobody reads this crap, not even my mother.
Okay. Let's get started:"Hi, Lesley! I totally love your blog more than any other blog in the world! I mean Camilla has a blog but it's all, "Blah blah I bought a new hat today" and "Boo hoo, I didn't get to have tea until 4:30 this afternoon" and honest to God does anyone even care about these things? I KNOW I DON'T. Anyway. I was wondering if you had any updates on Buster? Because I LOVE that dog!! By the way: Did I mention how much I love your blog, too? If you were in my country, I'd totally make you Queen." - Charles, Prince of Wales*
* SEE????!?!?!?!? I TOLD YOU.
Okay, seriously: What was I talking about again? OH! Buster!! Well, Charles, I'm so glad you asked. Of all the topics I've ever covered on this blog, where covered equals writing while having absolutely no idea what I'm talking about, Buster is the subject people most often ask about.
So, Charles, I offer all of you this little glimpse into what Buster's been up to as of late:
On the subject of royalty, Buster has gone from a homeless, kazoo-playing dog on the side of the road to, well, a king –– with a castle and a kingdom and a family all his own. And in that family is a boy. Buster's boy. The one Buster loves above all others. The one Buster enthusiastically and loyally defers to because in Buster's world, his boy is his king. Once misunderstood and mislabeled as vicious and dangerous because of his particular breed, Buster has gone from a prisoner on doggy death row to the steadfast and loving and gentle protector of his boy and his boy's world. (Chris totally loves this part, by the way. SOMEBODY PLEASE GET HIM A TISSUE.) Because while Buster loves everyone, he totally lives for his boy. And if you don't think this curls my toes and waters my eyes and swells my heart, well, you're either new here or you're clinically dead. And in the case of the latter, you'd probably be better off somewhere else, anyway.
Buster's boy and his wonderful parents had to go away for a few days recently (and by recently I mean like a couple months ago BECAUSE THAT'S HOW I DO IT AROUND HERE), so Team Buster had a reunion of sorts: Buster went back to stay with Kim (who had previously taken him in while we were searching for his home), and then I came over for THE BEST PLAY DATE EVER:
Oh dear god. These are like the worst pictures of me EVER. How am I going to be Queen looking like that? Wait. Do I really look like that?? For those of you who are suddenly concerned that I actually might, don't worry...I am too. So on that note, I just went and took these pictures of myself to assure us all that sometimes I am actually very, very pretty:
Why hasn't anyone ever told me how pointy everything is on my face? Also, I am so yellow because I DO NOT KNOW WHY I AM SO YELLOW. Damn camera settings. Aperture? WTF? And you can thank Jose for the picture on the right. If I can't take pictures like him, I'll take pictures that look like him.
In addition? PARKAY.
OH WHATEVER. Enough of this nonsense. There is one more thing that should be noted about Buster before we move on to our next letter: In the event of an emergency (or a non-emergency, or any time at all, really), Buster will become a flotation device:
As it turns out, Buster loves the water so much that if given the opportunity, he will swim a lap and get out and jump back in and swim a lap and get out and jump back in and swim a lap and get out and jump back in over and over and over and over until his muscles are so fatigued he'll hobble around the entire next day like an old man who's lost his cane. "Wouldn't you just love to know what he was thinking?" his mom asked me the other day.
* * * * * * * * * *"Dear Lesley: So what's that Chris guy been doing lately? His life seems totally fun and exciting!! I think he's who people really want to know about, not some dog. Although they probably want to know about the dog more than they want to know about you." –– Chris Christine P.S. Your blog kind of sucks.
Hi, um, Christine. First of all, yeah yeah, this blog sucks. BLAH BLAH SEE OPENING PARAGRAPH. Secondly, if you've been around here for any length of time, you can probably already guess what Chris has been doing. The same thing he's always doing. This:
For those of you who have asked me what "this" is that Chris is always doing, it's called accounting. HAHA! Good one! Like anyone can do math with so many boobs everywhere. The nearest I can figure after all these years is that Chris has taken it upon himself to be some kind of savior-slash-superhero to scantily-clad women everywhere. Ladies? Have you've misplaced your clothes? Or worse, has someone stolen them? Never fear, Chris is here!! He will faithfully stand by you in your hour of need and then take a picture of both of you while he does so he can e-mail it to all his friends and put it up on his Facebook page. It should be clarified, however, that I've recently confirmed via the scientific method my suspicion that Chris is a savior-slash-superhero to scantily clad women everywhere except the ones who are me:
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"So. You haven't blogged in like fourteen years or something. I'm thinking of using the Mayan calendar (Editor's Note: I HAD NO IDEA EITHER) to track your posts even though I think doing that will just assure you never get anything else up before the world ends. What gives??" –– Maureen (OH! But totally not your BFF Maureen though!) (Because a BFF would NEVER give her friend so much crap!) (Um...yeah.)
Hi Maureen! First of all, I had to look up that Mayan calendar thing on Google and I see what you did there. An unknown number of elapsed days from a mythological starting-point? Clever, really. Second of all, PLEASE SEE PREVIOUS ITEM ABOUT HOW I DIED OF PNEUMONIA. Third of all, I am a very, very busy person and cannot just sit around blogging all the time. For example, just a week or so ago I traveled all the way to Edinburgh, Scotland (THAT IS IN ANOTHER COUNTRY, BY THE WAY) to visit cherished Um...What?? family member, Mr. Farty!:
HOWEVER, even though I didn't actually go to Scotland, that doesn't negate the fact that I am very, very busy doing other things like that one time when I....hold on, it'll come to me...OH! Okay, the other day I...alright honestly, WHAT DO YOU PEOPLE WANT FROM ME? Sometimes when you are very, very busy (AS I AM) it's hard to keep track of everything you're doing and so you write things down but if you don't have your calendar in front of you then you can't always remem...OKAY FINE I NEVER DO ANYTHING WHATSOEVER AT ALL. Why don't you try doing nothing whatsoever at all and then tell me what it is YOU would write about in your blog? Exactly.
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And now for our final letter:
"Dear Lesley: You're so pretty and so funny and so good at Photoshop, all of which are very important qualities in a wife. Will you marry me???" –– Name Withheld So As To Save Author Any Embarrassment
No, I will not. JARED.
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P.S. I totally love this picture but couldn't find a place to work it in, so I decided to stick it on the end of the post here because that's the kind of thing you do when you have a black belt in blogging. WHICH I DO:
P.S.S. That letter from Maureen is TOTALLY TRUE except for the part how it wasn't actually a letter but instead was a series of tweets back and forth between Jose and her that were all "Mayan Calendar this" and "OMG growing old that" and blah blah blah IT IS VERY, VERY HARD TO BE ME. Obviously.