Updated 2/10/10 to add: Sorry, everyone!! I didn't mean to imply I had some kind of head injury. The neurosurgeon referenced in this post is actually checking out the other person involved in the accident –– a gentleman who is comfortably in his 80's. (It would have been an entirely different accident had he been younger.) I know I was rather vague, but as the situation is still being resolved, I'm hesitant to speak on it too much. But I appreciate your concern and promise there's absolutely nothing wrong with my brain. I know: I'm just as surprised as the rest of you.
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Today's post is dedicated to those of you who e-mailed and DM'd me this past week, genuinely concerned this blog might be dead. To which I can only say with great affection what in the hell is wrong with you people? Stop reading this crap. It's also dedicated to Ryan who, upon learning I was working on a new post, seemed less relieved by this news than he seemed mortified by it.
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Welcome back everyone! Today we'll be getting reacquainted since I've been away for a little while on account of that's how I do it around here: like a person who does absolutely nothing around here. My pleasure. But today we'll be remedying this situation by taking part in what is referred to in popular blogging circles as actually blogging. And by actually blogging I mean HAHA GOOD ONE! Like I have any idea at all what that means.
To catch up, I thought we'd gain a little perspective by first taking a backwards glance at the year that just passed and then looking forward to 2010 and everything this new year might hold. So, on this note, I thought we'd begin with –– similar to the one we had for 2008 –– this sweeping, pictorial retrospective:
2009: The Year in Photos!
This past year –– one I thought for sure had to be better than 2008 but SURELY WAS NOT –– turned out to be a year where either one of two things was happening: Absolutely nothing at all, or some random thing I really, really, really didn't want to be happening. Long stretches of near coma were interrupted by events like the loss of Moses The Cat and the various steps along the road in the Porcupine's slow, messy, painful descent into a place I just can't reach any more. Mostly because I've decided I have to stop following, for fear of ending up lost in the dark myself. He calls it the abyss. Doctors call it depression. I call UNCLE. Four years is all I can do. I just don't have anything left in me any more. This past year, especially, has all but hollowed me out.
I'm not deserting him, I'm just letting go right now –– of the worry and the fear that have consumed me for so long and of my constant attempt to control things that have always been totally out of my control. I know that as much as I might want it to, the sheer force of my will isn't going to pull him out of the shadows he says are so black that he usually can't even see himself anymore. Now that journey is, as it really always has been, solely up to him. I'd be lying if I didn't admit how much I hope it leads him back here, but waiting for that to happen is no longer going to define me. It's time to take my life off pause and get back to the business of living it again, because –– as much as I do love him –– it's time I start loving me more.
This is not the scientific fact about poop. But that doesn't make it any less interesting. Obviously.
So, with 2009 finally –– mercifully –– coming to a close, I found myself actually looking forward to 2010. My usual feeling of doom had been replaced with a different feeling I almost didn't recognize anymore: hope! Hope that no matter what ended up happening with The Porcupine, I'd survived the worst of it. Hope that better things were coming! And you know what? I would totally describe to you right now what having that feeling was like except for that I can't really remember it anymore on account of how IT ONLY LASTED LIKE 79 SECONDS. Oh, hey! It's nice to see you, 2010! NOW GET OUT.
Only one month in, and 2010 is already...
ANYWAY. As I was saying. So far, 2010 has not gone at all according to plan just the same as 2009 2008 2007 2006 2005 EVERY SINGLE OTHER THING I HAVE EVER TRIED TO PLAN AROUND HERE. It started at the very end of December with this weird sound emanating intermittently from under the hood of my Escape which – when all was said and done –– resulted in the following phone call on the second of January:
"Hello, Umwhat Lesley? Turns out we'll be needing to put an entire new engine in your car and oh yeah: By the way? This will be the first hybrid engine we've ever rebuilt but don't worry because we know exactly what we're doing." Which I was totally confident was true, especially after noticing later how my estimate paperwork said "HyBIRD" in about 17 places. And I don't know if any of you have ever had this kind of major engine repair done before, but I'm not exaggerating when I say that sending an entire team of engineers into orbit to repair one of the two Russian-designed toilets on the International Space Station would cost slightly less. Although I doubt those toilets ever actually need any type of repair since they were built by Russian plumbers and not the Ford Motor Company.
But really, the most frustrating part of the whole deal was that the repair ended up taking FIVE WEEKS. Do you know what else you can do in five weeks? Circle the earth 583 times aboard the aforementioned space station, that's what. And how awesome would that be??? I have no idea, actually, because instead, I was stuck driving around in the world's most disgusting rental car which, besides smelling like death –– and who doesn't want to be constantly reminded of death while taking her own life in her hands on the freeways of Southern California –– WAS ALSO CURSED. Almost immediately after getting the car, I was in a not-so-minor traffic accident, which seems weird considering there was zero damage to my rental or to the other vehicle. Unfortunately, this is about all the detail I can get into at the moment due to the outstanding legal issues involved. And by outstanding I do not mean magnificent. I will add one more thing however: This situation has escalated to the point that it now includes a neurosurgeon and did you know that neurosurgeons make approximately $15 gagillion dollars a minute? This really has nothing to do with anything except for how it's also exactly what my mechanic makes. What a coincidence.
But the good news in all of this is that January is over now and I've just gotten my car back and odds are things HAVE to start looking up around here soon. When kind of lamenting everything to Maureen the other day and wondering what kind of doom all this might predict for the rest of the year, she told me she thinks I've gotten all the bad juju out of the way at once and because of that the next 11 months are now destined to be great.
Well. I certainly hope this is true.
I mean, this could totally be true!!
This is totally true!!
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P.S. By the way: Do you know what it cost me to rent that car for a month?? (Chris drove me around for the first week.) About the same as it did for me to pay a month's rent on my not exactly cheap apartment –– which, at least, has a bathroom. Although the fact the car doesn't hasn't stopped a whoooole bunch of people from previously peeing in it. It seems.P.S.S. Some of you might remember this: