Welcome back, everyone! Today we will be getting informative as we take time out from our regularly scheduled blogging activities (popularly referred to as not blogging at all) to report some serious, breaking news. And by breaking news I mean this actually happened many, many days ago, but this delay is not exactly my fault as I employ a certain type of specialized writing technique that involves sitting around staring at my blog for an unspecified amount of time while my brain goes totally and spectacularly blank after which I give up and instead log onto the IM with Maureen to discuss important issues such as men who should never be allowed to wear their shirts.
Team Um...What??: Keeping you up to date! Ish.
ANYWAY. As some of you may already be aware, extended Um...What?? family member Mr. Farty recently had his home burglarized. Robbed. Broken into. He was invaded. Looted. Burgled for our British friends or, more specifically, OH F*CK for our British friends who are also Mr. Farty. Luckily, he wasn't home at the time of the burglary, and while this makes the whole experience safer, it doesn't make it any less COMPLETELY FULL OF SH*T BECAUSE SERIOUSLY WHO DO PEOPLE THINK THEY ARE? Oh. Right. Burglars.
After much legwork and hardcore investigative journalism on the subject, where hardcore investigative journalism equals I sent Mr. Farty a two-line e-mail asking what happened and he sent me back a two-line answer where he didn't really tell me what happened so much as he asked me to never, ever e-mail him again because he doesn't want anyone to actually know he associates with me (which seems kind of rude except for, you know, BIG DEAL –– like I haven't ignored this same type of e-mail from Chris at least 50 gagillion times already), I've uncovered the following details:
1) The burglar stole irreplaceable heirloom jewelry along with several "other things" which I can only assume are items typically found lying around the average Scottish household like knickknacks of the Loch Ness Monster or a set of Great Highland bagpipes –– because Mr. Farty KNOWS hot air droning on and on bagpiping –– or Academy-Award-winning actor, Sean Connery.
Okay. So apparently I've only come up with one basically-devoid-of-detail detail, but honestly: What do I look like? CNN central? I'm always the last to know everything busy. I can tell you something else though, and that is NO ONE gets away with that kind of thing with us, you know, more than once and all of you burglars roaming around out there are now officially ON NOTICE. Because henceforth, all potential, future criminal activity perpetrated against The Family will be met with immediate and dire consequences:
Team Um...What??: Neutralizing The Threat Since Early 2008
(And yes: CHRISTMAS HAS COME TO THE BLOG. Already. You can blame this on the fact it was Christmas every single place I looked around town this weekend and by this weekend I mean still almost two whole weeks before Thanksgiving and HO HO HOOOOLLLY GAHHH SOMEONE PLEASE SHOOT ME.)
But in the here and now, Mr. Farty, where it ISN'T Christmas or Hanukkah or Kwanzaa or Ramadan or Boxing Day or WHATEVER because Um...What?? welcomes all beliefs, religions and random Canadians, you needn't worry. Because in case you've forgotten, we have PLENTY of heirloom jewelry of our own lying around the headquarters...:
...which we are MORE than happy to share with you!:
THE DAZZLING END. * * * * * * * * * *
THE DAZZLING END.
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