Today's post is dedicated to my friend Tuna, who saw a performance of Cats at the Pantages Theater a couple weeks ago and thought it was for crap. Well, welcome to another crappy, cat-themed thing, dude! Only this one is about MY cat, and –– oh, hey!! –– his crap. Which would seem like a really cool coincidence except for the way this blog is pretty much always nothing but crap. Yay!! Let's fart start!
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Welcome back, everyone! For those of you who may not have already heard, Gus The Cat recently underwent hundreds of dollars worth of dental surgery, partly because he came to me with the dirtiest mouth ever, but mostly because –– for those who haven't heard this either –– my official hobby in 2010 is constantly spending gagillions of dollars! Which is weird considering I do not actually have gagillions of dollars.
HAHA –– GOOD ONE!!! My other hobby is casually downplaying my wealth:
Because this blog cleans up. As if that wasn't already totally obvious.
(Despite the fact it has no ads. And you can read it for free. And I have a "store" that doesn't actually sell even one single thing. Don't question it.)
ANYWAY. What was I talking about again? Oh! Right! Gus's surgery. He did just fine with the actual procedure but as an unfortunate side effect of the anesthesia combined with the antibiotics and pain medication combined with Gus gets gas from just glimpsing a bottle of meds, he completely lost all ability to poop anything remotely shaped at all like poop and instead has been dumping a daily dose of a chocolate milkshake-type substance all over the inside of his litter box. Would you like whipped cream with that?? Needless to say, everyone around here has been very, very concerned, most especially Chris, because when it comes to animals, Chris loves them!
There's only so much I can do with the raw material I've been given.
To his credit, Chris really did try to attempt to pretend to care about Gus because Chris knows that friendship isn't a big thing, it's a million little things*. Like pretending to give a crap about your friend's cat's crap:
*Famous quote by someone. I think. I don't know for sure, though. My crack research department was busy pooping loosely on vacation.
The good news is that after having a bunch of blood work done, Gus has been given a totally clean bill of health! The bad news is that despite this, he's still having a major, um, doodie dilemma. His sh*t is just not shipshape sh*t-shaped. DAMMIT. My vet's been trying to reset Gus's system without giving him yet more meds, so first we tried a five-day rice diet –– which lasted all of two days due to the way my super-sweet kitty who loves everyone and everything in the world will totally try to eat your face off if you put even one single grain of rice anywhere near his food bowl. It seemed. So then we switched him to a special low-protein wet food, and by special I mean holy crap it smells exactly like crap. Ahhhh, irony, or things that smell like iron crap. And while Gus HAS done me a couple of great solids the past week (HEH), he's been inconsistent at best. So it looks like If he's not better in the next couple of days (when the prescribed food runs out), we'll have to decide whether to try the rice again or go ahead and give him some medication.
Oh dear god.
I vote for the meds.
Because did I mention how Gus hates rice??
So much for cleaning his mouth.
THE END OF THIS SH*TTY SH*T-THEMED POST.
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P.S. Am I the only one who noticed how I published my previous three blog posts once a week for an entire three weeks in a row?? I KNOW!! No one cares. And then this funny thing happened on the way to the post you're reading now and oh dear god why are any of you still reading this post now IT'S ABOUT CAT POOP: I went quickly and spectacularly borderline blind. More so in my right eye, which is inconvenient on account of how it's my primary eyeball –– an eyeball that's starting to get really sick and tired of the double duty it's been doing my entire life. (See this entry if you're new here and would care to know the particular history of my eyeballs, which probably isn't that interesting but might still be slightly more interesting than reading about poorly formed cat crap.) So, for the past couple weeks, all attempts at blogging were basically met with this:
Ugh. Nauseating.
But now, thanks to my second new glasses prescription in just over six months, a condition my eye doctor assures me is not called I am going blind, we're now back to blogging as usual. And for that all I can say is I apologize.
Unfortunately, no less nauseating.
I honestly have ZERO idea why I'm still single. Weird.
