Welcome back, everyone! Times are exciting here around the Um...What?? headquarters these days, because look who's finally here!:
Yes. That Jared.
Because as it turns out? My friend Jared does read this blog! You know, now. After I finally was all, "JUST READ IT!" and then he was all, "The hell?? YUCK I DO NOT EVEN LIKE YOU!" and then I was all, "But I wrote about you in it!" and then he was all click click CLICKCLICKCLICK, "I TOTALLY LOVE THIS BLOG MORE THAN ANY OTHER BLOG IN THE WORLD!!"
So, now not only is Jared a regular reader (HAHA! No one can read regularly around this blog and you are welcome all you people with hundreds of posts stacking up in your readers –– I'm lookin' at you, Mr. Farty and Scientist Laurie), but he also might officially join Team Um...What??!
HAHA –– how ridiculous! Of course there's no free beer here. I have no idea where he got this impression.
By the way: This illustration? That looks so much like Jared that it's just like Jared is looking into a mirror right now? Chris drew it. I KNOW!! I couldn't find anything existing that looked at all like Jared* so I asked Chris to draw something in the style of his own illustration so he did whatever it is he does in Illustrator with his graphic tablet and paths and points and fills and strokes and blah blah nobody really knows for sure and then TA DA! Twenty-five minutes later the world's most perfect image of Jared was born! Which, you know, BIG DEAL. I'm totally sure I could have drawn it myself except for the fact that I am very, very busy. Occasionally.
* Note to all iStock illustrators: There are men in the world with beard-like facial hair who also aren't leprechauns for your information.
By the way: Did any of you notice anything different about Chris's illustration?
Luxurious.
Anyway. Today's post will celebrate the fine art of conversation as we spend some time getting to know Jared, who has agreed to sit down and answer some questions for all of us because I told him there would be free beer here he totally loves this blog more than any other blog in the world! And if it's any indication of how it's probably going to go, when I told him I'd make up crap myself if he didn't want to do this, Jared assured me his answers would be crap anyway, so I could add his crap to my crap and then I could have one totally crappy blog post. Which would have been a really generous offer except for the fact that I can write a totally crappy blog post just fine all by myself, thank you very much. (See: every single other blog post I've ever written.)
Let's get started!
Hey! Thanks for sitting down to talk with me.
Where's the beer?
SO. What uniquely qualifies you to join Team Um…What?? What specific skills do you bring to the table?
Gee, that’s a good question. I’m not much of a “Team” player, and my skill set is very general. I do own a computer on which I can keep up to date with the latest Um…What?? news. Does that count?
Sure! Good answer. We're off to an excellent start here. Now: Why do you read this blog? Is it because you’re afraid of what I’ll do to you if you don’t?
Because I heard that I was mentioned in it.
So what you're saying is that your love of yourself is greater than your fear of me?
What I'm saying is where is the beer?
This blog’s tagline is, “Fueled By Random, Pointless Tangents.” What would your personal tagline be?
“Fueled By Anger, Loud Music and Miller Lite.”
Describe yourself in three additional words.
Hungry. Bitter. Hilarious.
I'm always hungry too! Plus, sometimes I'm bitter and I am so totally hilarious ALL THE TIME!! Just ask anyone! Do you think this mean we're soul mates?
We are NOT soul mates. Good god. And you're not really that funny either. Sorry.
I see. So now describe me in three words, one of which will not be "funny." Apparently. JERK.
Did you just call me a jerk?
NO. What the hell? Stop trying to stall. Describe me in three words, please.
Cat Lady. Modest. Bloggy.
Okay. You do know that's four words right? Did you fail math in school?
No, because I am fully aware that three beers plus one beer equals FOUR BEERS. And yet I don't have even one beer. What the hell is that about?
Speaking of things a person needs, can you loan me $50?
Sure, if you don’t mind getting it in installments.
Don't you think –– you know, since we're friends and all –– that the appropriate answer to that question would be that you'd just GIVE me money? Meaning I wouldn't have to pay you back?
Friends give friends beer.
I'm sure they do. Anyway, MC is a total jerk for the way he never comments on this blog, right?
We’re supposed to comment on the blog?
No. You're not supposed to. But wouldn't you LIKE to? I mean isn't this blog entertaining and inspiring like that?
Seriously?
Never mind. Okay. What is something about you most people wouldn’t know?
There’s a reason people don’t know. There’s some dark sh*t going on here.
Oh, please. There's nothing dark going on with you. This from a guy whose license plate is ILVHUGS. You're totally ducking the question, which would annoy me except for the fact that there's no way anyone is still paying any attention here so, you know, whatever.
Moving on. If you could change one thing about yourself, what would it be?
Only one thing?
Well, I'd have to agree with that answer. I shouldn’t change anything about me though, right?
Umm…uh…hmmm…uh…no.
Way too much hesitation, dude.
Way not enough beer.
What is it about me that you find the most inspirational?
Your ability to find time to update your blog…occasionally.
First of all, everyone's a damn critic. Second of all, like anyone wants me to post more often.
Good point.
If I die before you, will you come to my funeral? What will you wear? If you die first, what will you leave me in your will?
If you go before me, I will wear my nicest Metallica T-shirt to your funeral. If I die, I will leave you my nicest Metallica T-shirt.
Of course this would be the shirt after I tailored it. Jared doesn't wear girl shirts. Sometimes.
Also, notice how I combined two images together but then was too lazy to match the skin tones. This is what's known as I Am An Inspirational Photoshopper.
Besides your favorite Metallica t-shirt, what are five things you love?
Baseball, heavy metal, TV, sushi, answering questions for friends’ blogs
Why am I not on that list?
Next question.
Speaking of me, on a scale of 1 to 10, how pretty am I? (With 1 being “Completely Pretty” and 10 being “totally pretty.”)
I would have to say about a 5, which I think is “thoroughly pretty.”
Really, dude? Not even a full five but about a five?? Middle-of-the road FIVE? Did you really think this would be an acceptable answer? Just so you know, I'm gonna call Chris right now and show you how it should be done. Listen and learn:
Chris: What's up?
Me: On a scale of 1 to 10 –– with 1 being "Completely Pretty" and 10 being "Totally Pretty" –– how pretty would you say I am?
Chris (with not even one millisecond of hesitation): 5 million! Prettiest girl ever!!
Me: Thank you. (CLICK)
SEE?! Would it really have killed you to say something like that?
You do know you were on the phone, right? And that I couldn't hear anything on the other end? I bet that wasn't even Chris on the line.
Well IT WAS and he thinks I am FIVE MILLION PRETTY.
Nobody is five million pretty.
I am.
No you're not. Although you might look better IF I HAD THAT BEER YOU MENTIONED. And are we done here yet?
No.
Oh! And speaking of Chris:
Flowing.
MC should stop sending me e-mails about how awesome this blog is and should start leaving me official comments instead, don’t you think?
Great. Not only are we supposed to make official comments, but now we can’t just send e-mails? Ugh.
LOOK. I am not asking you to take Cyanide pills. IT WILL NOT KILL YOU, OMG GEEEEEZ. Okay. Continuing. What do you like best about yourself?
That I was asked to join Team Um…What??
You do know you're still on probation though, right? The jury's still out on you. Not just anyone gets to be on the team.
I find that hard to believe since Chris is here.
I know. But that was an accident. I can assure you. So. Why don’t you like Fort Minor? Everyone knows Mike Shinoda is way, way, WAY more talented than Metallica.
I have to plead ignorance on this question. It just doesn’t make any sense.
Huh. Ignorance. I'm sensing a theme here.
Wait. What?
Nothing. So. You used to be a sportswriter. What do you think of my post on slopestyle snowboarding? Maybe I could be a sportswriter, too??
It was good, but with two critiques: too much use of the word “adorable,” and it should have been about skiing. Or baseball.
What? I'll give you the baseball thing, but honestly dude. You must have been a terrible sportswriter, because you obviously have no idea what you're talking about on that first thing.
I rest my case.
What is your greatest accomplishment in life so far? What is your biggest goal you’ve yet to accomplish?
Getting asked to join Team Um…What??; taking the time to start my own blog.
Do you know Photoshop?
No.
Then you can't blog. Give it up.
What?
Just trust me. Anyway. If the world suddenly ran out of beer, what would you do?
Start doing hard drugs.
Hard drugs? Dude. This is a FAMILY blog.
It is?
Of course not.
Hi Chris!
In conclusion...
Oh thank god.
...is there anything else you’d like to add that hasn’t already been covered here?
First of all, after re-thinking through the questions and my answers to them, I seem to be a very simple person defined by two things: Beer and Metallica. Wow, I guess I AM pretty cool. Thanks Um…What?? Second of all, BEER NOW??
Seriously, dude. Let it go.
(DID I MENTION THAT CHRIS DREW THIS IMAGE OF JARED???)
Oh yeah. One last thing:
So silken.
Hey! Thanks for sitting down to talk with me.
Where's the beer?
SO. What uniquely qualifies you to join Team Um…What?? What specific skills do you bring to the table?
Gee, that’s a good question. I’m not much of a “Team” player, and my skill set is very general. I do own a computer on which I can keep up to date with the latest Um…What?? news. Does that count?
Sure! Good answer. We're off to an excellent start here. Now: Why do you read this blog? Is it because you’re afraid of what I’ll do to you if you don’t?
Because I heard that I was mentioned in it.
So what you're saying is that your love of yourself is greater than your fear of me?
What I'm saying is where is the beer?
This blog’s tagline is, “Fueled By Random, Pointless Tangents.” What would your personal tagline be?
“Fueled By Anger, Loud Music and Miller Lite.”
Describe yourself in three additional words.
Hungry. Bitter. Hilarious.
I'm always hungry too! Plus, sometimes I'm bitter and I am so totally hilarious ALL THE TIME!! Just ask anyone! Do you think this mean we're soul mates?
We are NOT soul mates. Good god. And you're not really that funny either. Sorry.
Did you just call me a jerk?
NO. What the hell? Stop trying to stall. Describe me in three words, please.
Cat Lady. Modest. Bloggy.
Okay. You do know that's four words right? Did you fail math in school?
No, because I am fully aware that three beers plus one beer equals FOUR BEERS. And yet I don't have even one beer. What the hell is that about?
Speaking of things a person needs, can you loan me $50?
Sure, if you don’t mind getting it in installments.
Don't you think –– you know, since we're friends and all –– that the appropriate answer to that question would be that you'd just GIVE me money? Meaning I wouldn't have to pay you back?
Friends give friends beer.
I'm sure they do. Anyway, MC is a total jerk for the way he never comments on this blog, right?
We’re supposed to comment on the blog?
No. You're not supposed to. But wouldn't you LIKE to? I mean isn't this blog entertaining and inspiring like that?
Seriously?
Never mind. Okay. What is something about you most people wouldn’t know?
There’s a reason people don’t know. There’s some dark sh*t going on here.
Oh, please. There's nothing dark going on with you. This from a guy whose license plate is ILVHUGS. You're totally ducking the question, which would annoy me except for the fact that there's no way anyone is still paying any attention here so, you know, whatever.
Moving on. If you could change one thing about yourself, what would it be?
Only one thing?
Well, I'd have to agree with that answer. I shouldn’t change anything about me though, right?
Umm…uh…hmmm…uh…no.
Way too much hesitation, dude.
Way not enough beer.
What is it about me that you find the most inspirational?
Your ability to find time to update your blog…occasionally.
First of all, everyone's a damn critic. Second of all, like anyone wants me to post more often.
Good point.
If I die before you, will you come to my funeral? What will you wear? If you die first, what will you leave me in your will?
If you go before me, I will wear my nicest Metallica T-shirt to your funeral. If I die, I will leave you my nicest Metallica T-shirt.
Of course this would be the shirt after I tailored it. Jared doesn't wear girl shirts. Sometimes.
Also, notice how I combined two images together but then was too lazy to match the skin tones. This is what's known as I Am An Inspirational Photoshopper.
Besides your favorite Metallica t-shirt, what are five things you love?
Baseball, heavy metal, TV, sushi, answering questions for friends’ blogs
Why am I not on that list?
Next question.
Speaking of me, on a scale of 1 to 10, how pretty am I? (With 1 being “Completely Pretty” and 10 being “totally pretty.”)
I would have to say about a 5, which I think is “thoroughly pretty.”
Really, dude? Not even a full five but about a five?? Middle-of-the road FIVE? Did you really think this would be an acceptable answer? Just so you know, I'm gonna call Chris right now and show you how it should be done. Listen and learn:
Chris: What's up?
Me: On a scale of 1 to 10 –– with 1 being "Completely Pretty" and 10 being "Totally Pretty" –– how pretty would you say I am?
Chris (with not even one millisecond of hesitation): 5 million! Prettiest girl ever!!
Me: Thank you. (CLICK)
* * * * * * * * * *
SEE?! Would it really have killed you to say something like that?
You do know you were on the phone, right? And that I couldn't hear anything on the other end? I bet that wasn't even Chris on the line.
Well IT WAS and he thinks I am FIVE MILLION PRETTY.
Nobody is five million pretty.
I am.
No you're not. Although you might look better IF I HAD THAT BEER YOU MENTIONED. And are we done here yet?
No.
Oh! And speaking of Chris:
Flowing.
MC should stop sending me e-mails about how awesome this blog is and should start leaving me official comments instead, don’t you think?
Great. Not only are we supposed to make official comments, but now we can’t just send e-mails? Ugh.
LOOK. I am not asking you to take Cyanide pills. IT WILL NOT KILL YOU, OMG GEEEEEZ. Okay. Continuing. What do you like best about yourself?
That I was asked to join Team Um…What??
You do know you're still on probation though, right? The jury's still out on you. Not just anyone gets to be on the team.
I find that hard to believe since Chris is here.
I know. But that was an accident. I can assure you. So. Why don’t you like Fort Minor? Everyone knows Mike Shinoda is way, way, WAY more talented than Metallica.
I have to plead ignorance on this question. It just doesn’t make any sense.
Huh. Ignorance. I'm sensing a theme here.
Wait. What?
Nothing. So. You used to be a sportswriter. What do you think of my post on slopestyle snowboarding? Maybe I could be a sportswriter, too??
It was good, but with two critiques: too much use of the word “adorable,” and it should have been about skiing. Or baseball.
What? I'll give you the baseball thing, but honestly dude. You must have been a terrible sportswriter, because you obviously have no idea what you're talking about on that first thing.
I rest my case.
What is your greatest accomplishment in life so far? What is your biggest goal you’ve yet to accomplish?
Getting asked to join Team Um…What??; taking the time to start my own blog.
Do you know Photoshop?
No.
Then you can't blog. Give it up.
What?
Just trust me. Anyway. If the world suddenly ran out of beer, what would you do?
Start doing hard drugs.
Hard drugs? Dude. This is a FAMILY blog.
It is?
Of course not.
Hi Chris!
In conclusion...
Oh thank god.
...is there anything else you’d like to add that hasn’t already been covered here?
First of all, after re-thinking through the questions and my answers to them, I seem to be a very simple person defined by two things: Beer and Metallica. Wow, I guess I AM pretty cool. Thanks Um…What?? Second of all, BEER NOW??
Seriously, dude. Let it go.
(DID I MENTION THAT CHRIS DREW THIS IMAGE OF JARED???)
Oh yeah. One last thing:
So silken.
