Um...What??

Pointlessly Updated TWICE: I'm Totally Like The Charles Schulz Of Bloggers (Except For That I Can't Draw)

    
Updated 3/25 to add: Apparently, besides being the Charles Schulz of Bloggers, I'm also just like David Lynch. Or so says XUP. Which, not that I need to point it out, IS AWESOME. But it does remind me to mention that you should skip this post entirely. DO NOT BOTHER. It's one of those Porcupine-themed posts that goes on and on while saying pretty much nothing and hey –– what do you know?! That is just like every single other post I've ever written! Because –– in cases like this anyway –– when I "write" (HAHA!) about The Porcupine I never actually "write" about The Porcupine due to a little thing I like to call The Porcupine is very, very private or YOU DO NOT EVEN WANT TO KNOW IT IS SO BORING. Trust me.

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Welcome back, Um Whaters! Remember how I wrote in my last post that this blog smells like a massive fart? (You: We don't need reminding WE'RE SMELLIN' IT RIGHT NOW.) Well, that got me to thinking about other things that totally stink around here (NO, NOT CHRIS but, you know, good one!), which caused me to accidentally* Photoshop the following pictures in the form of a short, graphic tale depicting how the last two weeks have stunk like a massive fart! OH, WHO AM I KIDDING? If only they smelled half that good.

*I swear I don't know how these things happen. But there's no way any of it's my fault. Obviously. And the fact that I would MARRY PHOTOSHOP if someone would let me has absolutely nothing to do with anything I'm talking about here.

Anyway. On with the pictures. Because yes you have to look at them, so STOP WHINING ABOUT IT. And don't worry –– the story has a happy ending (YOU: OMG. ZZZZ.):

My Ongoing Adventures In Porcupining –– The First Of Many Installments!!
(Unless this is the only installment I do.)
(Which is highly likely on account of most of the time I can't remember I even have a blog, let alone that I'm supposed to follow up on something for it.)

    



   

   

  
 
  



Curin' what ails me.


Havin' my back.


I honestly have no idea how this helps me at all.
     

I totally love these people. I hope all of you people have people like this.
  

And by the way: To clarify, this is all symbolic of the latest in my situation with The Porcupine. It's the situation that's been kicking my a$$ –– not the actual Porcupine himself! Because The Porcupine is the singular best person I know (which is saying a lot when you consider these three people here), and he would spend all day flogging himself in order to spare others pain and that is a huge part of why we're in this situation and blah blah blah never mind the details, just know that none of this is literal, and by none of this is literal I mean can anyone loan me a medically-induced coma?

But don't worry everyone! (You: WE'RE. NOT.) No matter what gets thrown at The Porcupine and me, we always manage to find our way through it. Because we go together. Like Mo and martinis. Like peanut butter and jelly. Like rama lama lama ke ding a de dinga dong. Oh yeah: And like hugging and bodily injury:

And by the way part two: Am I the only one who noticed that this post is totally like Um...What: The Comic Strip?? I KNOW!! Sure to be syndicated any day now in ZERO newspapers and on even fewer websites everywhere.
   

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P.S. Updated a few hours later to add: The Porcupine has lipstick on because I just KISSED HIM and not because he's into that kind of thing as far as you know. HAHA! Not really! The lipstick is there to symbolize how even when it all sucks butt there is still love and la la la come over here and doo doo doo lemme kiss you and if this update was any more tragically romantic it would totally have to come with a barf bucket. Which, to be perfectly honest, I wouldn't really know how to pull off unless these things have already become a reality. (Wait. Have they? Anyone? Scientist Laurie?) OH I DON'T KNOW. As usual.

This Blog Smells As Bad As A Massive Fart...Evidently (It Also Has A Hidden Zombie In It!)

Today's post begins with two shout outs:

The first is to loyal and much loved Um What?? family member, Debra. Debra's been here since the earliest days –– you know, back when this blog was simpler. And posts were shorter. And they didn't have any Photoshopping in them. In other words, Debra has stuck around to witness this blog's downward spiral into total crap. Poor Thanks, Debra!

The second is to my friend Jared who I think is a reader here, though I can't be totally sure due to the fact that he's never actually admitted it. Just like my friend MC. Because admitting in public that you read Um What?? basically has the same effect on people as telling them you have Bird Flu. Or the Black Death. Or that you're going to massively fart in their general direction. It sends everyone running and screaming from the room. Apparently.

Despite this, Jared has actually appeared here once before. Anonymously. Pictured on a coffee cup. FOR NO REASON. Which of course is ridiculous and doesn't really make any sense at all because if Jared's face belongs anywhere for no reason it's not on a coffee cup. This is an error I will fix immediately, and by fix immediately I mean this:

     

And Maureen actually publicly admits she reads this blog. Jared. And not only when she's drinking martinis, either. Hopefully. But just wait, dude: You'll be singing a totally different tune when Um...What?? becomes totally, hugely popular one day. HAHA! GOOD ONE!
  

Okay. Enough of all this. Let's get down to the actual point of this post. And by actual point I mean oh dear god, of course this post has no point. Are you new here? But there WILL be picture after picture after picture of the exact same chair. It's going to be just as awesome as it sounds. Trust me.

     
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Welcome back, everyone! I know, I know. Posting's been way light around here, even by our standards, though this really shouldn't matter much to you because if you come here you obviously don't care at all about standards. Regardless, please accept the apologies of everyone at Um...What?? headquarters. It's just that we've been bogged down in work and there are seriously not enough hours in the day. Because just like back in 2008, this new year finds us equally overwhelmed with so, so, so much to do. I mean, honestly: It's a wonder this post is even getting published at all.
    

I seriously need an assistant.
   

Among all the recent developments around here, the most noteworthy would certainly have to be this:

The arrival of the new chair!! (Pictured above! Pictured below! And then pictured below after that! And then yet again after that and so on and so forth and I am a blogging Sensei. Learn from me.)
      

 

If you've been around here for any length of time, it may have previously come to your attention that I have no a$$*. And not in an I'M BRAGGING LOOKIT MY PRETTY PETITE LITTLE HINEY kind of way, but more along the lines of it never ceases to amaze me that I can ever manage to successfully sit down.

*Of course I am not totally without ass on account of, you know, THIS:
        

We have all met Chris by now, yes?

And speaking of Chris? He was doing this all last week –– which really has nothing to do with anything I'm talking about here except for the fact that who doesn't like a good pair of boobs, right? How about eight pairs? That's SIXTEEN BOOBS, people:
       
 
Poor Chris. It really is as horrifying as it looks.
(This gratuitous use of boobs in a blog is brought to you by my shameless attempt to grow Um What's male readership!)

ANYWAY. Before the arrival of the new chair, my poor, bony, sad excuse for a butt was forced to write in this blog while sitting on any one of the following:
  

Oh, of course it's not really made of concrete. CONCRETE WOULD BE SOFTER.


User Tip: Down couch cushions are NEVER a good idea. Take it from me. Eventually they just end up squished beyond all reason –– bony butt or not. I don't sit on this couch so much as I slump down into it. It's designed less for relaxing and more for being slowly eaten alive. It's like having a couch made of quicksand WHICH WOULD BE AWESOME, except for that there's not really any quicksand involved, so instead of being awesome, it's really just ergonomically incorrect or a big-a$$ piece of sh*t.


That's right. I sit here. On All The Above Monstrosities. And blog. FOR YOU PEOPLE. I am seriously like the Patron Saint of Uncomfortable Blogging. Only more saintly. And way more uncomfortable. WAY.

So after much waiting and wishing and scrimping and saving and then having to start completely over on the scrimping and saving part due to my tendency to lose focus and accidentally spend what I save on Michael Kors handbags and Belvedere vodka (oopsie!), I finally got my hands on the extra cash I needed to bring home the world's most enormously awesome and comfortable chair!

WHICH I THEN COULD NOT EVEN SIT ON DUE TO THE FACT MOSES THE CAT APPARENTLY TOOK OUT A MORTGAGE ON IT. Or something.
      

Five seconds after chair was delivered.
   

Basically every single subsequent second for the following week:
  

   

   

   

           

Of course, I'm just kidding. HAHA! Moses The Cat isn't the boss of me, obviously, because that would just be ridiculous and I am the one in charge here and I can sit on my big, new chair whenever Moses The Cat lets me I want to!! SEE??:

    

And before you say it, YES I KNOW THIS BOOB SHOT ISN'T EXACTLY THE SAME. Seriously. I'M DOIN' THE BEST I CAN, PEOPLE. Also? I can't understand why I don't blog more often, considering how infrequently I nap.

But these days it really is share and share alike here in New Chairville. As a matter of fact, Moses the Cat and I are sitting together on it right now as I slap together craft this piece of sh*t amazing post!:

View from my side of the chair.
This shot originally looked pretty bad. Then I added a special filter layer to it in Photoshop, and now it looks totally worse.

And all this togetherness got me to thinking about my really big, super-huge, enormously awesome chair and how having just Moses The Cat and me sitting on it seems like such a waste. We can all fit on here, people! Climb aboard! Let's set sail!! Because the bloggy family that traverses the bumpy seas of life together probably just ends up barfing all over each other. Fun!
 

Slightly more doomed than The Titanic.
The above image was updated 3/25 to add Donna, the very lovely and adorable and loyal Um...What?? family member I inadvertently left off the first go 'round. I blame the failing economy. And Chris.

And on the subject of fun? Now I can blog, blog, blog in total and utter comfort!!
  

        

     

Awesome.
You: OH FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, NOBODY WANTS YOU TO BLOGBLOGBLOG.
 

And finally, I'm pretty sure my next new chair's probably going to be one of these:
  

Solvin' two of my problems at once.

And speaking of big butts:
   

Oh, like this is some kind of a surprise.

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P.S. So, how many of you spotted the hidden zombie?? This post is totally like "Where's Waldo?", only in this case Waldo's undead and wants to eat your brains out. Gather the kiddies 'round!

P.S.S. Okay, so seriously: Jared probably doesn't even read this blog and I'm all, "Why don't you admit it, jerk?!" and "Hey, yer a BUTT" and I bet if I ever said anything to him, he'd be all, "I don't even know WTF you're talking about! It's bad enough I have to work with you. You think I'd read your stupid blog too? And anyways, I didn't even know you HAD a blog." And then he'd give me the finger and leave and go back to his office and blast some Metallica until a lesser person's ears would bleed because Jared LOVES Metallica and then –– OMG! –– I would start a second blog all about Metallica and then maybe he'd read THAT. It probably wouldn't be very good though, since I don't really know a lot about Metallica. Then again I don't know shi*t about anything I write in this blog either, but that never stops me.

P.S.S.S.: And just to put a period on this whole post, on Friday I tweeted something about tattooing a bunch of people's Twitter handles on my butt. To which the lovely and aforementioned Debra answered the following:
      

SEE??

And By "Soon" I Mean Before The Second Coming Of Jesus (WHO TOTALLY LOVES THIS BLOG, BY THE WAY)

Added to clarify:  This is not a real post. This is just a little something I put up to tide you all over until I can finish the actual post I'm currently working on. And by tide you all over I mean clearly this blog has absolutely no creative standards whatsoever.

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For those of you who don't follow me on Twitter (which I can only assume is because I still remain the UNDISCOVERED JEWEL OF THE INTERWEBS), I offer up these screen shots of some of my tweets from last night to assure you too that yes, a real post is coming. And if you don't use Twitter at all (which, now that I think about it, could be another reason you don't follow me), things you write on Twitter are called "tweets" because Twitter has a bird logo and I guess birds tweet (Wait...right? Like Tweety Bird?), and OKAY, EVEN THE FOUNDER OF TWITTER DOESN'T REALLY KNOW WHY SO PLEASE STOP GRILLING ME.

(Not to be confused with Tweety Bird.)
Here I am doing in-depth research for this post. Because I totally do in-depth research for every single post I write. Because I am the Christiane Amanpour of bloggers.
  

Anyway. My tweets:

     

      

    
        
To which I got the following replies:
     

This is Laurie –– Um What's resident scientist!! Because all the smart people read this blog. For reasons I'm confident I don't actually need to explain to you people. And since I already know what you're wondering, yes, she does wear 3D glasses when she's working. Just like all the rest of us scientists do, because science is totally a multi-dimensional discipline. Or something.


Yes. That's a fart. BEING LIT ON FIRE.
(You:  OMG THAT IS AWESOME!!!! Follow follow follow follow followfollowfollowfollow!!!!)


You all remember Ryan, right? The one who said my posts give him "inner ear balance problems?" Lord knows what my tweets do to him, but he sticks around anyway so all I can figure is Ryan is a masochist and/or Ryan suffers from some form of serious mental defect. Please send him encouraging words of support.
     
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So, in conclusion, thank you three whole people who totally pretended to care that I'm late with my real post. Which, to reiterate, this is not. Because this is just a placeholder post, designed to sit here until the real post goes up sometime soon –– a little something I like to call Creating Another Vast Black Hole of Space On The Interwebs, or, as Mr. Farty calls them, the intertubes. Which I thought were actually things you rode down on snow banks? Or rivers, maybe? Oh, whatever.