So, this weekend I decided to look up the word "meme" on Wikipedia. Mostly because I didn't even know how to pronounce it, but also because Mr. Farty gave me one to do (WHATEVER –– MR. FARTY IS LIKE TEACHER FARTY GIVING ME HOMEWORK) and so my entire life has been falling down around my ears because I've had to keep saying things like, "No I cannot have dinner with you because I have to write my meme" and "Sorry, I don't have time to talk on the phone because I have to sit and think about my meme" and "No, I totally cannot marry you as I'm busy with my meme." Only sometimes I'd say "meemee" and other times I say "Mee-may" and occasionally I'd try "meh-mee" because I didn't really know which one was right but figured no one else did either so I'd probably be in the clear regardless. But then eventually I decided I needed to know for sure because I can't very well keep bragging about my PhD in blogging (I TOTALLY HAVE ONE) if I don't even know what the hell a "meme" is since "memes" are central to blogging. Apparently. Just like having a blogroll and also totally inflating your blog stats when reciting them to your fellow bloggers. (In some circles this is referred to as lying. In blog circles, lying is referred to as blogging.) Here's what I learned:
"A meme (pronounced /mi:m/- like theme) (OHHHH. "MEEM.") is a unit or element of cultural ideas, symbols or practices; such units or elements transmit from one mind to another through speech, gestures, rituals, or other imitable phenomena. The etymology of the term relates to the Greek word minema for mimic. Memes act as cultural analogues to genes in that they self-replicate and respond to selective pressures."
Not that I need to point out the obvious, but by here's what I learned I mean that beyond the pronunciation I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT I LEARNED BECAUSE WHAT THE HELL DOES THAT EVEN MEME MEAN??? There were several more paragraphs by way of explanation, but I'm not even going to copy them here because they do not help the matter at all. Trust me. So, basically this tells me that pretty much nobody knows what a meme is and if they say they do it's just like an Emperor's New Clothes thing and they are totally lying. Also known as blogging. SEE ABOVE PARAGRAPH.
Anyway. Unimportant details aside, I will now do the meme given to me by Mr. Farty, entitled "10 Honest Things About Myself." And speaking of unimportant details, that's exactly what this meme will be filled with. Because honestly? Nobody cares. I don't even care and it's all about me.
Honest Thing #1: I have a blog. I KNOW! Most of you are probably unaware of this fact, but it's true. You can find it at www.umwhat....er, www.lesley.umwhat...OH WHATEVER. But trust me I get TONS of hits every day LIKE IN THE GAGILLIONS. (SEE PREVIOUS PARAGRAPH ABOUT LYING.) I originally started my blog thinking I was going to write deep, profound, meaningful things about myself and my life. Until I realized I had little interest in writing deep, profound, meaningful things about myself and my life I'M BORING and instead what I really wanted to do was just Photoshop sh*t. And I don't even know how to Photoshop. And I'm seriously on the verge of an aneurysm right now because look at how far down I've gone into this post without one Photoshopped image in sight! Dear God.
Honest Thing #2: I really cannot stand having very many people around in my life. This should not be confused with "I am a loner" because I don't want to be alone –– I do love being around those I'm closest to. Just ask Chris, who cannot get away from me despite the fact he continuously tries. But it's my natural inclination to keep my group of friends small, because human connections are pretty profound to me, and all the emotions and feelings and experiences that make up those connections can completely overwhelm me if I'm not careful. The Porcupine says it is because I am an empath like Deanna Troi ("You just feel everyone's feelings like they're your own") and regardless of whether or not that's true, what is completely true is that when The Porcupine makes geeky sci fi references it totally gets me hot. AND DON'T EVEN GET ME STARTED ON HIS CHEWBACCA IMPERSONATION. Basically, Sylar said it best last week on Heroes: "Look. You're really gonna have to stop trying to be my friend or I'm gonna have to kill you." Exactly! OMG Lesley and Sylar are like soulmates!! And by the way, for any of you who are not familiar, Sylar is a homicidal maniac serial killer who takes out people's brains but never mind that particular part.
Honest Thing #3: I am a direct descendant of Robert Louis Stevenson. He was the uncle of my great grandmother on my mother's father's side. Which of course totally goes without saying because have you even READ my blog lately? I clearly got the fine literature genes. And by fine literature I mean this is a crap sandwich served up with a side of crap chips on a plate made out of crap. (You: What's for dessert? Me: CRAP.)
Honest Thing #4: My head hurts. I was born with my left eyeball turned out so that all you could see was mostly the white part. And yes: It's just as attractive as it sounds. So when I was so small that the thought of putting me through any major surgery was enough to terrify my parents practically to death, they braved the terror anyway, so they could get my eyeball repositioned. So I could do things like, you know, see. The surgery involved disconnecting muscles and nerves and taking my eyeball all the way out which you have to admit is so many kinds of awesome and maybe it was rolling around on a table at some point or sitting in a beaker? ALSO AWESOME. Then there was some reconnecting somehow and putting the eyeball back in and blah blah WHATEVER, I AM NOT A DOCTOR. Currently. But it was the first surgery of its kind (I am in the medical anals, people) and while it was for the most part quite successful, I was left with a little side effect I like to call Surplus Vision. I actually see separately out of each eye, which results in my always seeing two of everything. Since it's the only type of vision I know, it seems normal enough to me. For the most part my brain disregards one image and then said brain and eyeballs and I go about our business just fine. But I do get some big-a$$ headaches fairly regularly since all of this action is a huge strain on the muscles around my eyes. Most of the time this doesn't at all affect my ability to function and most people around me have no idea anything's going on. But occasionally? I have to stop the world and get off. BE BACK LATER.
Honest Thing #5: I am an only child. This fact –– which is totally not my fault, by the way –– caused this blog's favorite MC to put me on Friend Probation, which he announced to me (JERK) way back at the beginning of our relationship because he usually does not like only children because he thinks they tend to be spoiled and self-centered and did I mention he thinks that they are spoiled? Just because he comes from a family of six eight fourteen one bazillion siblings is no reason for that kind of attitude. But luckily it became a non-issue as I was none of those things because I am lovely and wonderful and caring and unselfish and never mind all that I HAVE A NICE RACK, so, you know, friends forever!
Honest Thing #6: I watch way more Sci Fi Channel programming than should be allowed by law. And I'm not even talking about just the good stuff either –– like Ghost Hunters or Battlestar Galactica. I'm talking about the kind of movies that are on Saturday and Sunday afternoons. Because if there are giant puppet spiders with visible strings or enormous, fake-looking plastic bugs or exploding heads that are clearly made of lettuce and stuck on the top of a stick or horribly written lines delivered via colossally bad acting, I am so there. And probably watching whatever it is for like the third or fourth time.
Honest Thing #7: I am always slightly amiss. You know those women who are always perfectly put together and coiffed and poofed and polished and manicured and coordinated and, you know, whatever else perfectly-put-together women are? I am not one of those women. Those women look good. I look good enough. As in OH WHATEVER, I GIVE UP. Today? My hair is full of enough static electricity to probably power my laptop. And underneath my cute little short-sleeve, violet-colored sweater I am wearing a black camisole. With a hole in it. Some days it's cat hair all over my clothes. Oh look! Like today. Or coffee dribbled on my top. Or leftover lunch dangling in my hair. Or chipped nails or scuffed shoes or lipstick on my teeth or gray roots or YOU GET THE IDEA. Last week I walked around all day with only one earring in. While wearing a ponytail. And not because I lost the earring either. But because I only put on one to begin with. And it wasn't a subtle earring, either. It was a gigantic hoop practically suitable for a bird to perch on. How does a person just, you know, not notice that the other one is missing?
Honest Thing #8: I am the whitest person you know. And by white I don't mean I can't dance, I mean literally. White. As in the color. As in if Nicole Kidman and Marcia Cross had a baby (I have no idea) and then rubbed White-Out all over it, that baby would still look slightly more tan than I do.
Honest Thing #9: I am the singular most direct person you will ever meet. It's the only way I know how to be, and 99% of the time it serves me well. I don't understand passive aggressive, I don't understand beating around the bush, I don't understand hemming and hawing, I don't understand people who are vague and/or hesitant and uncomfortable saying what they think. Of course you can imagine what this must sometimes be like for the people around me. Take a recent exchange I had with Mo, for example, which maybe didn't go word for word like this but was still the general gist:
Me: But why wouldn't you tell me something like that directly?
Mo (patiently and not unkindly): You know, everyone is not as comfortable as you are just speaking their minds. YOU ARE A FREAK.
Okay, so that freak part might have been implied. Or maybe I just inferred it. But either way? It's totally true and all I can say to everyone who has to put up with this trait in me is I apologize. And, oh yeah, IT'S NEVER GOING TO CHANGE. This is called I Apologize, Part Two.
Honest Thing #10: This meme is a perfect example of why I've never done one before and will never do one again!! OH MY GOD no one cares that my eyeball was moved and I'm blindingly white and blah blah sometimes I wear only one earring OOPSIE and I like puppet spiders and I have been on Friend Probation yadda yadda everyone who isn't now in a coma, please raise your hand.
That's right. NO HANDS.
Oh. And in conclusion? This:
OH LIKE YOU REALLY THOUGHT I'D GO A WHOLE POST WITH NO PHOTOSHOPPING.
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2/25 edited to add: Now that you're all done with this nonsense, go visit Mr. Farty if you haven't already. You will NOT be sorry!