Um...What??

Updated (Sort Of): The Most Boring Post You Will Ever Read – Despite The Gigantic Puppet Spiders And The Fact That Someone Took Out My Eyeball

So, this weekend I decided to look up the word "meme" on Wikipedia. Mostly because I didn't even know how to pronounce it, but also because Mr. Farty gave me one to do (WHATEVER –– MR. FARTY IS LIKE TEACHER FARTY GIVING ME HOMEWORK) and so my entire life has been falling down around my ears because I've had to keep saying things like, "No I cannot have dinner with you because I have to write my meme" and "Sorry, I don't have time to talk on the phone because I have to sit and think about my meme" and "No, I totally cannot marry you as I'm busy with my meme." Only sometimes I'd say "meemee" and other times I say "Mee-may" and occasionally I'd try "meh-mee" because I didn't really know which one was right but figured no one else did either so I'd probably be in the clear regardless. But then eventually I decided I needed to know for sure because I can't very well keep bragging about my PhD in blogging (I TOTALLY HAVE ONE) if I don't even know what the hell a "meme" is since "memes" are central to blogging. Apparently. Just like having a blogroll and also totally inflating your blog stats when reciting them to your fellow bloggers. (In some circles this is referred to as lying. In blog circles, lying is referred to as blogging.) Here's what I learned:

"A meme (pronounced /mi:m/- like theme) (OHHHH. "MEEM.") is a unit or element of cultural ideas, symbols or practices; such units or elements transmit from one mind to another through speech, gestures, rituals, or other imitable phenomena. The etymology of the term relates to the Greek word minema for mimic. Memes act as cultural analogues to genes in that they self-replicate and respond to selective pressures."

Not that I need to point out the obvious, but by here's what I learned I mean that beyond the pronunciation I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT I LEARNED BECAUSE WHAT THE HELL DOES THAT EVEN MEME MEAN??? There were several more paragraphs by way of explanation, but I'm not even going to copy them here because they do not help the matter at all. Trust me. So, basically this tells me that pretty much nobody knows what a meme is and if they say they do it's just like an Emperor's New Clothes thing and they are totally lying. Also known as blogging. SEE ABOVE PARAGRAPH.

Anyway. Unimportant details aside, I will now do the meme given to me by Mr. Farty, entitled "10 Honest Things About Myself."  And speaking of unimportant details, that's exactly what this meme will be filled with. Because honestly? Nobody cares. I don't even care and it's all about me.

Honest Thing #1: I have a blog. I KNOW! Most of you are probably unaware of this fact, but it's true. You can find it at www.umwhat....er, www.lesley.umwhat...OH WHATEVER. But trust me I get TONS of hits every day LIKE IN THE GAGILLIONS. (SEE PREVIOUS PARAGRAPH ABOUT LYING.) I originally started my blog thinking I was going to write deep, profound, meaningful things about myself and my life. Until I realized I had little interest in writing deep, profound, meaningful things about myself and my life I'M BORING and instead what I really wanted to do was just Photoshop sh*t. And I don't even know how to Photoshop. And I'm seriously on the verge of an aneurysm right now because look at how far down I've gone into this post without one Photoshopped image in sight! Dear God.

Honest Thing #2: I really cannot stand having very many people around in my life. This should not be confused with "I am a loner" because I don't want to be alone –– I do love being around those I'm closest to. Just ask Chris, who cannot get away from me despite the fact he continuously tries. But it's my natural inclination to keep my group of friends small, because human connections are pretty profound to me, and all the emotions and feelings and experiences that make up those connections can completely overwhelm me if I'm not careful. The Porcupine says it is because I am an empath like Deanna Troi ("You just feel everyone's feelings like they're your own") and regardless of whether or not that's true, what is completely true is that when The Porcupine makes geeky sci fi references it totally gets me hot. AND DON'T EVEN GET ME STARTED ON HIS CHEWBACCA IMPERSONATION. Basically, Sylar said it best last week on Heroes: "Look. You're really gonna have to stop trying to be my friend or I'm gonna have to kill you." Exactly! OMG Lesley and Sylar are like soulmates!! And by the way, for any of you who are not familiar, Sylar is a homicidal maniac serial killer who takes out people's brains but never mind that particular part.

Honest Thing #3:  I am a direct descendant of Robert Louis Stevenson. He was the uncle of my great grandmother on my mother's father's side. Which of course totally goes without saying because have you even READ my blog lately? I clearly got the fine literature genes. And by fine literature I mean this is a crap sandwich served up with a side of crap chips on a plate made out of crap. (You: What's for dessert? Me: CRAP.)

Honest Thing #4:  My head hurts. I was born with my left eyeball turned out so that all you could see was mostly the white part. And yes: It's just as attractive as it sounds. So when I was so small that the thought of putting me through any major surgery was enough to terrify my parents practically to death, they braved the terror anyway, so they could get my eyeball repositioned. So I could do things like, you know, see. The surgery involved disconnecting muscles and nerves and taking my eyeball all the way out which you have to admit is so many kinds of awesome and maybe it was rolling around on a table at some point or sitting in a beaker? ALSO AWESOME. Then there was some reconnecting somehow and putting the eyeball back in and blah blah WHATEVER, I AM NOT A DOCTOR. Currently. But it was the first surgery of its kind (I am in the medical anals, people) and while it was for the most part quite successful, I was left with a little side effect I like to call Surplus Vision. I actually see separately out of each eye, which results in my always seeing two of everything. Since it's the only type of vision I know, it seems normal enough to me. For the most part my brain disregards one image and then said brain and eyeballs and I go about our business just fine. But I do get some big-a$$ headaches fairly regularly since all of this action is a huge strain on the muscles around my eyes. Most of the time this doesn't at all affect my ability to function and most people around me have no idea anything's going on. But occasionally? I have to stop the world and get off. BE BACK LATER.

Honest Thing #5: I am an only child. This fact –– which is totally not my fault, by the way –– caused this blog's favorite MC to put me on Friend Probation, which he announced to me (JERK) way back at the beginning of our relationship because he usually does not like only children because he thinks they tend to be spoiled and self-centered and did I mention he thinks that they are spoiled? Just because he comes from a family of six eight fourteen one bazillion siblings is no reason for that kind of attitude. But luckily it became a non-issue as I was none of those things because I am lovely and wonderful and caring and unselfish and never mind all that I HAVE A NICE RACK, so, you know, friends forever!

Honest Thing #6: I watch way more Sci Fi Channel programming than should be allowed by law. And I'm not even talking about just the good stuff either –– like Ghost Hunters or Battlestar Galactica. I'm talking about the kind of movies that are on Saturday and Sunday afternoons. Because if there are giant puppet spiders with visible strings or enormous, fake-looking plastic bugs or exploding heads that are clearly made of lettuce and stuck on the top of a stick or horribly written lines delivered via colossally bad acting, I am so there. And probably watching whatever it is for like the third or fourth time.

Honest Thing #7: I am always slightly amiss. You know those women who are always perfectly put together and coiffed and poofed and polished and manicured and coordinated and, you know, whatever else perfectly-put-together women are? I am not one of those women. Those women look good. I look good enough. As in OH WHATEVER, I GIVE UP. Today? My hair is full of enough static electricity to probably power my laptop. And underneath my cute little short-sleeve, violet-colored sweater I am wearing a black camisole. With a hole in it. Some days it's cat hair all over my clothes. Oh look! Like today. Or coffee dribbled on my top. Or leftover lunch dangling in my hair. Or chipped nails or scuffed shoes or lipstick on my teeth or gray roots or YOU GET THE IDEA. Last week I walked around all day with only one earring in. While wearing a ponytail. And not because I lost the earring either. But because I only put on one to begin with. And it wasn't a subtle earring, either. It was a gigantic hoop practically suitable for a bird to perch on. How does a person just, you know, not notice that the other one is missing?

Honest Thing #8:  I am the whitest person you know. And by white I don't mean I can't dance, I mean literally. White. As in the color. As in if Nicole Kidman and Marcia Cross had a baby (I have no idea) and then rubbed White-Out all over it, that baby would still look slightly more tan than I do.

Honest Thing #9: I am the singular most direct person you will ever meet. It's the only way I know how to be, and 99% of the time it serves me well. I don't understand passive aggressive, I don't understand beating around the bush, I don't understand hemming and hawing, I don't understand people who are vague and/or hesitant and uncomfortable saying what they think. Of course you can imagine what this must sometimes be like for the people around me. Take a recent exchange I had with Mo, for example, which maybe didn't go word for word like this but was still the general gist:

Me:  But why wouldn't you tell me something like that directly?

Mo (patiently and not unkindly): You know, everyone is not as comfortable as you are just speaking their minds. YOU ARE A FREAK.

Okay, so that freak part might have been implied. Or maybe I just inferred it. But either way? It's totally true and all I can say to everyone who has to put up with this trait in me is I apologize. And, oh yeah, IT'S NEVER GOING TO CHANGE. This is called I Apologize, Part Two.

Honest Thing #10: This meme is a perfect example of why I've never done one before and will never do one again!! OH MY GOD no one cares that my eyeball was moved and I'm blindingly white and blah blah sometimes I wear only one earring OOPSIE and I like puppet spiders and I have been on Friend Probation yadda yadda everyone who isn't now in a coma, please raise your hand.

That's right. NO HANDS.

Oh. And in conclusion? This:

OH LIKE YOU REALLY THOUGHT I'D GO A WHOLE POST WITH NO PHOTOSHOPPING.

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2/25 edited to add:  Now that you're all done with this nonsense, go visit Mr. Farty if you haven't already. You will NOT be sorry!

UPDATED: It's Valentine's Day! Cuddle Up Close To Your Special Someone! (And Then Get Out The First Aid Kit) (OH AND MAYBE ALSO GO TO THE EMERGENCY ROOM)

           

            

      
Because the only thing more romantic than getting flowers and chocolates is suffering several dozen flesh wounds.
  
Happy Valentine's Day, Um What-ers!

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2/15 Edited to add: For anyone who may be here for the first time, those are porcupine quills due to the fact that my love is of the prickly persuasion and NO I AM NOT PINHEAD.
   

Equally prickly!
This look is way sexier on me, though. Obviously.

Because For All I Know I Might Be A Mars Rover (Which Is Totally Possible Considering How Cute I Am) (AND YES IT TOOK ME LIKE EIGHT DAYS TO WRITE THIS CRAP – SO WHAT?!)

The NASA Space Program is very exciting! Just ask the Mars Spirit Rover: Thanks to the NASA Space Program, Spirit has spent five long, tedious years totally marooned on Mars.

If you do the math, that's more than EIGHTEEN HUNDRED days stuck on a mission that –– by the way –– was originally slated to last only 90 days. So Spirit has been there more than TWENTY TIMES longer than expected which, if you stop and think about it, means I have done two complicated math equations in one paragraph, or I am basically a NASA scientist now.

Spirit's mission –– as part of the overall NASA Mars Exploration Rover Mission –– has been to study the history of water on Mars. Well, of course. What else would you look for if you were on Mars?

"Um...What??": Wildly popular everywhere in the universe!*

(*excluding Earth)

But honestly? Ninety days? To study the water on a barren, desert planet that almost doesn't have any? Shouldn't that take like zero time at most? OH, WHAT DO I KNOW? I've only been a NASA scientist for a few minutes so far.

Unfortunately, the answer to the little rover's question was the same then as it is today: NO. Because Spirit still had a 90-day 1800-day totally long-a$$ mission to complete! (OH WHATEVER. EVEN NASA SCIENTISTS CAN ONLY COUNT SO HIGH.) So all these years later Spirit is still left wandering around on the Martian landscape which, according to abcnews.com is "a cold, hostile place, far away from home."

Huh. I hadn't really thought of it that way until now.

 

What's next, ABC News? Online videos of baby seals being bludgeoned?

At first I was all, I CANNOT FUNCTION I AM WAY TOO SAD and then I was all OH MY GOD HOW CUTE IS THE SPIRIT ROVER WAS HE DESIGNED BY DISNEY and then I was all FOCUS, LESLEY, REMEMBER THE SAD and then I was all WAIT A DAMN MINUTE because of the way I suddenly realized just how similar Spirit and I are, where similar equals I think I might be a part of the NASA rover program? And no one bothered to tell me? THAT IS TOTALLY MESSED UP. NASA.

And so was born this brief overview of Spirit's mission thus far, as compared and contrasted with my own personal effort to survive my current predicament, or Mission OMGWTF:

       

MISSION BEGINNINGS:

 

The Spirit Rover Mission:

 Officially began when Spirit first landed on Mars January 4th, 2004.

Mission OMGWTF:

Began on December 5th, 2005, back when The Porcupine first officially lost his mind. MORE THAN ELEVEN HUNDRED DAYS AGO. Is also taking place on barren, desolate, uninviting, freezing cold Mars. Apparently.

   

MAIN MISSION OBJECTIVES:

 

The Spirit Rover Mission:

To look for water on Mars –– which is, if you ask me AND I AM A SCIENTIST SO I TOTALLY KNOW THINGS –– another way of actually looking for proof of life on Mars. Its original goal to last at least three months in the hostile Mars environment has been replaced with its current goal to last as long as it possibly can.

Mission OMGWTF:

To look for proof of life, you know, pretty much anywhere. I don't usually have much luck, to be perfectly honest with you. Most days I'm fairly sure I'm wandering around out here all by my pathetic scientific self. My original goal to spend about two years helping The Porcupine through A Super Tough Time has been replaced by my new goal of trying to find the way out of this desert wasteland we've somehow landed ourselves in BEFORE EVERYBODY ENDS UP TOTALLY DEAD. You know. As opposed to the current way we're only kind of dead.

Also: Notice how there's a empty line of space above "To look for proof of life...?" This is called as hard as I try and try, I can't figure out how to override the damn auto-formatting that keeps randomly popping up here or science is obviously useless.

       

MISSION TEAM MEMBERS:

The Spirit Rover Mission:
     

    

     

       
Spirit has hundreds of people back here on earth supporting its mission on Mars including scientists and professors and drivers and navigation managers and robotic engineers and orbital engineers and even a Knowledge Engineer. (I am totally one of these myself.) (Like I even have to explain this.)

Mission OMGWTF:
    I've got people supporting me too, you know –– helping me do things like navigating around tough terrain, cleaning off some of the sh*t dust that lands on me on a daily basis and prompting me to perform various diagnostic tests on my many systems, such as when Chris says things to me like, "What the hell is WRONG with you??" Oh! I'm not sure...let me check! Just because I'm sometimes 100% certain I'm totally alone, doesn't mean I actually am. I guess. Or so people tell me. I don't really know for sure though. OH WHATEVER.

Me: "If you love me you will all put on these glasses."
Team OMGWTF:  [Collective blank staring.]
Me: "But I've seen scientists wear these. SCIENTISTS."
Team OMGWTF:  [More collective blank staring.]
Me: "OH FOR THE LOVE OF GOD I HAVE NO IDEA BUT JUST PUT THE DAMN THINGS ON."
        
     

MISSION CHALLENGES SO FAR:

The Spirit Rover Mission:

Poor little Spirit has had nothing but trouble throughout its mission, where nothing but trouble equals "HEY I THOUGHT I WAS DESIGNED BY WORLD-RENOWNED SCIENTISTS AND NOT MRS. POOLE'S THIRD GRADE CLASS??" There have been the problems with the unrelenting dust storms that no decent rover has ever been expected to endure. (Spirit is solar powered and just like paper covers rock, MARTIAN DUST COVERS SOLAR PANELS.) Then there's the broken right front wheel that stopped working entirely on day #779 of the mission and has forced Spirit to navigate backwards ever since, essentially dragging its bum limb behind it. And there have been several computer glitches, including the most severe instance yet where just over a week ago Spirit abruptly and spectacularly lost its mind. In people-speak? Spirit suddenly had no idea where it was, and no memory of what it had been doing. Have I mentioned lately that this was while it was all alone? In a cold, hostile place, far away from home??
      

   
But Spirit –– the little rover that could –– has since regained its faculties and after a series of successful diagnostic tests is once again moving around normally, where normally equals "OHMYGOD I AM SO LONELY CAN I PLEASE COME HOME NOW HAAAALLLLLLP!!!???"
    

             

Mission OMGWTF:
Also fraught with difficulties and setbacks. My navigation controls are clearly broken as I all I seem to do is constantly go in circles until I'm just this side of vomiting. Also broken? EVERYTHING ELSE. My reserves are low (energy, endurance, resolve, vodka) and my outlook is even lower. Just like Spirit, I've also lost my mind, but that was somewhere back around day #568 and big fat deal: I've been functioning just fine without it ever since. Obviously, BECAUSE DID I MENTION I'M A NASA SCIENTIST NOW?!

Oh. And by the way? This:

BUT MOSTLY VODKA.

       

MISSION OUTLOOK:

The Spirit Rover Mission:
  

Because all of the smart, sciencey people follow NASA on Twitter.
      

Considering I just received the above tweet, I'd say things in the immediate future are looking up for Spirit. Long term is another story, however, since –– in case no one here has figured this out yet –– there's no way to get Spirit back home once it's done with its mission.

 

It's the elephant in the living room nobody really talks about: Spirit has been sent on a one-way trip to (you know what's coming, right??) a cold, hostile place, far away from home. In the end –– after all it's endured and after all the challenges it's risen above and after all of the pictures it's taken and data it's collected and work that it's done for all of us –– it will be left to slowly shut down and eventually disintegrate into the Martian landscape.

 

Actually, I may not completely understand the details of the mission's end since I can't find them spelled out anywhere. Not to mention I have no idea if shut-down robots left on Mars actually disintegrate. As disintegration is not my scientific specialty and whatnot. But you know I'm right because have you ever heard of even ONE Robot Rescue Mission anywhere? And I would TOTALLY pay more taxes for that kind of thing because, you know, SAD. And even if I'm wrong about all of this JUST NEVER MIND because that would only ruin this part of my post and I can do that kind of thing without anyone's help.

SEE???

Mission OMGWTF:

DOOMED. Duh.

Yeah. Just like Spirit, I was pretty much jettisoned to my current locale without any kind of plan to get me safely back out either. OOPSIE! But, you know, it seemed like a good idea at the time. OH OF COURSE IT DIDN'T.

Anyway. Against all odds –– because against all odds is WHAT I DO –– I'm not giving up. And besides: The whole landscape could change soon since President Obama is set to appoint a new head of NASA any day now. A few key names are being bandied about, but I think we all know who the obvious choice is here:

 

Because William Shatner was an admiral in Starfleet, people. I mean do I really have to explain this?

Help get Spirit and me safely home, Admiral William Shatner. You're our only hope.

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P.S. Exciting!!

P.S.S. Yesterday when Mo and I were talking about this post (YES I SUBJECT HER TO THAT KIND OF CRAP ALL THE TIME), she said, "A dead porcupine belly-up with XX's in his eyes? On Mars? I know it all now. You don't have to finish." For those of you who wish I'd listened to her, TOO BAD I apologize.

This Is Not A Political Blog...But His Name Looks Like "Boner" So, You Know, What Do You People Want From Me??

Hey, Um What-ers! Are you all familiar with our House Minority Leader?:

No. Seriously. It's pronounced "Bayner."
And his first name is pronounced "Steve."
        

The above photo was taken during Mr. Boner's Bayner's Boehner's recent appearance on Meet The Press. And trust me when I say it was just as bad as it looks, where just as bad equals one hundred gagillion times worse and where one hundred gagillion times worse equals I had an aneurysm and died.

Mr. Boehner (pronounced "Stuffed Shirt With A Head") (Boner? Head? That's right.) was there to discuss President Obama's stimulus package. (Boner? Discussing Obama's package? OH LIKE I'M THE ONLY ONE WHO THOUGHT OF THIS.) And by discuss I mean he was there to say, "This package is no good" and "this is never, ever going to work at all" and "we should keep doing it the way we've always done it because that's the way we've always done it." The implication being –– obviously –– that the way we're doing it is working. Because although Mr. Boehner (pronounced "wah wah wah") is a United States Congressman, he actually doesn't LIVE in the United States. Or so it seems.)

 
Boehner: It's pronounced BONER.
    

By the way? This:

Famous Boners Throughout The Ages!:
  

Remember? Mike Seaver's friend? From Growing Pains?
       
Oh. I guess there was only one previously famous Boner? That seems like a waste. Might have to start calling Chris "Boner" in an attempt to remedy this.

Look. I am not a politician. Or an economist. Or a gold medal-winning Olympic figure skater. And can I tell you how much this last one sucks? I WAS ROBBED. Anyway. But I know our economy is in the crapper (case in point: my wallet only has a nickel and two pennies and a $986 Starbucks card in it) and that this stimulus package is designed to, you know, stimulate things. Do I really have to explain it?? Okay, fine: Obama's plan aims to invest in things like renewable energies and infrastructure to both create millions of jobs and address our country's sustainability problems, where sustainability problems equals I can't get to my mom's house because the world is out of gas for my car and three bridges are broke down in between her house and mine, which also means I guess I can't eat because hello? Who here doesn't already know Lesley can't cook for herself? The stimulus plan also includes tax breaks for both businesses and individuals as well as extensions of state benefits like Medicaid and unemployment. And in case you haven't noticed, I am VERY, VERY SMART where very, very smart equals I can't understand sh*t without CNN's Ali Velshi explaining it to me fifteen times.

Of course Mr. Boehner (pronounced "Boner-I-don't-even-know-her!") doesn't seem to like any of these things. He says the stimulus plan is too far reaching and will take way too long to implement. I don't pretend to understand any of this (HAHA! Of course I do! See previous paragraph), but I do know that yes –– chances are it's going to take a long, long, long time to do anything if all people do is sit around arguing every single fine point.

So, I say let's stop looking backward and, instead, let's try looking forward with some vision, shall we Mr. Boney McBonerpants Boehner? And then maybe your NEXT appearance on Meet The Press won't cause viewers everywhere to drop dead and die. Since dropping dead usually causes death. AND DON'T EXPECT ME TO EXPLAIN THIS TOO AS I AM NOT A DOCTOR THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

And in conclusion? This:
     

And this is only partly because of his package stimulus package OH NEVER MIND.

    
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P.S. My mom is totally proud of this post.
   
P.S.S. This isn't the real post previously scheduled for today, by the way. That one is about the space program and should be released very shortly. Or tomorrow. Or next week. Because, you know, again, WHAT DO YOU PEOPLE WANT FROM ME???
  
P.S.S.S. to MC: 
M.C. (after I mentioned this post):  That reminds me: What is a minority whip?
Me (thinking):  WTF does that have to do with anything I just said? Doesn't anyone ever listen to me? And what do I look like? Wikipedia?

FINE:

A minority whip is the second-ranking highest person in the minority party, whose main job is to ensure control of the formal decision-making process in a parliamentary legislature. Blah blah blah, boring. Whips are party enforcers who typically offer both inducements (like inducing labor?) (I have no idea) and punishments to party members. In modern times, most whips are concerned primarily with ensuring a desired attendance for an important vote. All of which would be made slightly more interesting by introducing the use of actual whips into the process. Or guns. I'm guessing.