I'm The Tiger Woods of Bloggers! Unless It's Like Copyright Infringement Or Libel Or Something, In Which Case I'm Totally Not

If I have learned one thing from my blog stats, it's this: I seriously do not understand my blog stats.

Take this week, for example. This week my stats seem to indicate that, if given a choice between live animals and dead animals, you people would much rather read all about dead ones. Either I'm confused by the numbers and this is totally wrong, or you people are sick. Because after the whole dead lizard/dead bird post? MY STATS HAVE BASICALLY TRIPLED. Tripled.

Me: This is so exciting! I have rescued a super-cute doggy schmush face off the side of the road! Cute! Licky! Plays the kazoo!

You: Sound of snoring.

Me:  Hey! There are dead animals everywhere I look!

You: OH MY GOD!!! Click click click click page view page view page view page view click click click e-mail link to friends retweet click click page view TIMES A GAGILLION bookmark click click page view page view click click click click SMOKE COMING OUT OF BACK OF COMPUTER click page view click page view DEAD ANIMALS DEAD ANIMALS DEAD ANIMALS click click click click clickclickclickclickclick WEEEEEEEEE!!!!!

Okay. While I'm pretty sure this behavior isn't normal and I probably should be worried for your souls and whatnot -- I am nothing if not deeply invested in each and every one of you -- HELLO? TRIPLED BLOG STATS? It turns out I'm busy so you'll have to tend to your own eternal selves.

HA HA!! Who am I kidding? Caring about stats is for people who actually, you know, care about stats and anyway, what do I look like -- a statistician? Truthfully, I have no idea. Maybe! Are they hot looking? Oh, never mind. This doesn't have anything to do with my actual point here which, if I keep typing long enough, I'm sure I'm bound to remember sooner or later.

You:  Like maybe now?

Me:   Blank staring.

        Excessive blinking.

        Eventual light napping coupled with slight drooling.

        COMA.

Me:  (17 hours later):  OH! I remember! BUSTER! (Keep reading. CHRIS.) I have an update on Buster who is very much alive. Which makes me happy because I am a normal person who prefers my animals with a pulse. Learn from me. But don't worry. I've got you all covered, so just stick with me through the end of this post and you won't be sorry.

First, my Buster update. Remember this illustration?:

         

Well here's the real thing:

This is seriously the most awesome thing I've seen in as long as I can remember, where the most awesome thing equals THE MOST AWESOME THING.

Unless, of course, it's this:

              
 Or maybe this:
        

 

That's right: This blog post is all about A-LIVE Buster and his happy ending! My blog stats can just suck it -- big deal! Plus, to be perfectly honest, I'm not completely convinced that lower stats aren't better. What if blogging is like golf? Lowest score wins! Maybe I am the Tiger Woods of bloggers? Should blog wearing green blazer?

Regardless of how amazing I look in a blazer (think "professional" meets "sexy" where professional means sexy and sexy means even sexier), the moment M's mom told me how much it meant to her that I'd given her son the amazing gift of a best friend to grow up with (because that is what Buster and M have quickly become), I realized that if I do nothing else in my life that makes any kind of a difference, I've managed to do one thing in my life that's made a big kind of difference.

And second (because yes, there was a "first" -- it was just a while ago because SOMETIMES I GET SIDETRACKED...SO WHAT??? This isn't English class and anyways, if it was? A++++ for me!) I have this for you -- in case near-negative stats ARE bad (not that I care, but sometimes when I think about it, I get afraid Typepad or maybe the government will make me shut down my blog on account of it creates a GIANT BLACK-HOLE VORTEX OF USELESS SPACE ON THE INTERWEBS, except of course, for the days it's filled with DEAD ANIMALS) and also because I am here to make you happy, death-infatuated faithful readers:

 

There. Happy?? Good! I will most likely burn in hell, but don't worry about that.

Seriously though. Who would draw something like this? And who are the other nine people who downloaded it before I did? Oh, like I don't already know it's YOU GUYS.

Next time? Stay tuned for BARBEQUED BUNNIES.

Oh dear god OF COURSE THERE WON'T BE ANY BARBEQUED BUNNIES. Not next time or ever. Get. Some. Help.